Is Love Getting Superficial?

It’s February, the “LOVE month.” Stores are packed with Valentine gifts, cards, and candy galore. Young men are planning to propose; offices are hosting parties. Secret Valentines are writing notes and leaving mysterious gifts.

One year, when our kids were elementary age, we drew names for secret Valentines during the week preceding the day! It was great fun as each tried to figure out who theirs was before the “reveal” on Valentine’s Day.

This is a season for celebrating something good. Yet, in the midst of “Love Month,” we have to ask:

Has the word love become a bit shallow?

Has it come to mean an intense feeling you may fall in and out of, a physical experience, a response to someone who said something nice or liked you on social media, or a person who gave you the gift you’d been longing for?

These reactions are not necessarily wrong, but they can be superficial and merely scratch the surface of what we were created for.

We live in a world starved for real love, a love that goes beyond a current emotional feeling.

John and I love to watch sports. In the past weeks, our TV has been tuned to football. (And of course Tarheel basketball.) We watched an interview with the Miami Dolphins’ new head coach, Jeff Hafley, in which he shared what he’s learned over his years of coaching. One of the biggest lessons he learned was “it’s OK to tell a player you love them and to pour everything you can into them, because they’re going to give it right back to you.”

There is a longing in each of us to be loved and, yes, to give it. Can you imagine this: We were created to love others.

We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

It’s easy to give love to someone you like, or someone who does something for you, or a pet, but doesn’t God have something much deeper for us?

In writing this, I turned to the concordance in my Bible to look up the word love. I was astounded by the number of pages filled with references to this word.

We love because He first loved us by sending His only son as a sacrifice for our sins in order that we might be forgiven. We know this, but its familiarity can cause us to become shallow. It’s easy to resort to performing for God, to ignoring the power He has given us by His Holy Spirit, and instead to call on him in times of desperation.

Even then, there is nothing you or I can do to make Him stop loving us.

How can we experience a deeper love from Him and be filled with a more intense love for others?

Here are 3 tips:

1. Keep God first.
   My friend Liv says that her first boss gave her the best piece of advice she’s ever had. “Don’t sacrifice your relationship with the Lord for the sake of a job.” Instead of focusing on numbers, accomplishments, and productivity, make developing your relationship with the Lord your first priority. What does this look like? It begins by spending time alone in His word daily, having close believer friends who will challenge you to grow in Christ, and being involved in a biblical church.
2. Ask God to give you a deep love for your people.
   Your job may involve working with difficult people. Ask God to fill you with love for that “unlovable person.” And ask Him to show you how to express this love in a way that the person will receive it, which may be very different from what would be meaningful to you. My pastor husband consistently reminds younger pastors that their most important ministry is to love their flock: their staff, their leadership team, their people. It’s even more important than their sermons or programs. It’s humbling because we cannot do it in our own strength. But it’s also a built-in protection from developing an ego. The same is true for our family members. We desperately need God’s help to love others with a deep love. We can’t do it in our own strength. “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)
3. Listen to others more than talking about yourself.
   We long to be known, first by our heavenly Father and then by others. Asking thoughtful questions of someone is one way to demonstrate that you really want to know that person.

For years, we hosted a Cousin Camp for our grandchildren. One year with many teenagers, we divided them into 2 teams with this assignment: Come up with 2 questions that you could ask an adult, a peer, or a younger person. They must be questions that call for more than a one-word answer. “Who has had a positive impact on your life?” “How has this come about?” “Who is someone you admire and why?” Adding “how” and “why” takes the conversation deeper. The teens enjoyed this competition and still remember it.

As we celebrate “Love Month.” I am asking God this year to deepen my love for others—even difficult people, even when I don’t feel like it, or they don’t deserve it. After all, it’s really about my relationship with Him, and I want to go deeper in this relationship with my heavenly Father who loves me more than I can ever comprehend. I want Him to change me and to mold me more into the person He has created me to be.

Resources:

Read more about Raising Good Conversationalists

For more ideas, check out my book, Cousin Camp.