The Importance of Not Growing Lazy in Your Marriage

Recently, I’ve run into a lot of women whose marriages have grown stale. Some are hanging in there, and others are choosing to leave. Some have extremely painful reasons, yet others have simply let boredom and a lack of work dim the joys of what they had once anticipated. Have we become lazy in our marriages?

I can easily get lazy in mine.

I used to stop whatever I was doing and meet my husband at the front door when he got home from work. I used to even put on make-up and a fresh shirt and comb my hair to greet him at the end of the day. I used to ask him if I could fix him anything. I used to begin a sentence with, “Honey, how would you feel about…” instead of “Honey, you should…” I used to thank him for the specific things he does right instead of complaining about the thing he’s left undone. I used to sweep the front walk because it mattered to him (not to me).

But I’ve gotten lazy. Lazy with little compliments, lazy about appreciating him, lazy about affirming him for the ways I respect him, lazy in being considerate. I’ve noticed how much easier it is for me to treat a guest or an adult child with more thoughtfulness than my own husband.

After 56 years of marriage to a good man, I want to do better. I do know better, but it’s the doing that trips me up. How easy it is to slide into a self-centered mode that first considers how I’m being treated or what I need or what I feel like doing.

It’s a subtle, albeit dangerous trend. All around us, we see marriages, yes, Christian marriages, failing. Most don’t fail because of one climactic event. More often, the unraveling of a marriage begins with the little things, like the loss of civility in speech. Would I speak to my best friend the way I just did to my husband? The loss of thoughtfulness. The loss of a servant’s heart—a heart that looks to the needs of my husband first. The loss of believing the best instead of assuming the negative about him.

I can find all kinds of excuses for my behavior, but the reality is that in some ways, I’ve just become lazy. I’m not talking about big marital issues here, but more about the day-in, day-out ways in which we treat one another. I believe that if we treat each other with kindness in the little things, we’ll be more able to respond with grace when we get hit with the big issues.

Do we assume our marriage is OK and we can just coast along?

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Today’s there is a surge in breakups of marriages of people over age 50. It is often referred to as gray divorce. Gray divorce has risen form 8.7% of marriages in 1990 to 36% by 2019. And it’s still growing. Several reasons given for this include: a failure to adjust to the empty nest, financial disagreements, finding little in common, and a loss of closeness and connection (https://www.verywellmind.com/gray-divorce-8646068).

Sometime during our first two years of marriage, we discovered that marriage takes work, hard work. Then we have kids, and we must work even harder to find time together. The teen years bring new challenges, and then the empty nest other trials. Now, as some of us grow older, there are new issues. Bottom line: At each season in life, we have to expect to work on our marriage in order to go deeper instead of drifting apart. We cannot become lazy even though we might like to!

Three Things will help avoid a slow deterioration of our marriages.

1. Recognize we have an enemy (the devil) who wants to destroy our marriage. I remember sitting on the couch with John having a nice conversation when suddenly we were at each other. It was as if a dark cloud had closed around us. My wise husband realized what was happening and stopped the conversation. “Father, we need you. In your name, we banish Satan. Remove this cloud that has enveloped us. Bless our marriage.” Satan is subtle. He takes advantage of our exhaustion, the challenge of parenting, crises around us, financial and professional stress, and somehow twists the climate into attacks on one another. Simply recognizing our enemy is a step in restoring what God intended. Remember, God is FOR our marriage.
2. Make couple-time a priority at each season of life. When we first got married, we were advised by a wise older couple to have a single date every week. It was not to be a time to discuss issues (neither of us would want to go!) but a time to build a marriage friendship. We took their advice and mostly made it work. It has been a staying force in our relationship. Try to get away alone together every year for at least three nights. Why three? The first night, you are too tired or disgruntled to communicate. The second night you begin to de-stress and to like each other. By the third night, you find you enjoy one another! (When our kids were little, we traded babysitting with friends so we could each get away!)
3. Have some same-sex friends who are for your marriage and who will hold you accountable. I remember complaining to a girlfriend about my husband, “He’s always working. He’s not spending time with me or the kids, etc.”She listened and empathized, but then she turned to me and said, “Susan, what are you doing to draw closer to him?” That’s a good friend.

Our natural tendency in marriage is to take each other for granted, to unintentionally neglect one another, to simply get lazy. So, I’m saying to myself today,

“Pick it up, Susan. Appreciate that man. Think before you speak. Speak with kindness. Consider what you can do today to communicate love and respect in a way that is meaningful to Him. And don’t look for a response from him. Just do it!”

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Order Guide to the Empty Nest