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Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

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8 Things to Do When You Really Don’t Like Your Husband Very Much

by Susan Alexander Yates

Have you ever felt this way?

“I don’t really like my husband very much. He’s not . . . He doesn’t . . . He always . . .”

Or: “We just don’t seem to have fun anymore . . . Our marriage feels boring. I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do.”

If we are really honest, we must admit that we have all felt like this at different seasons!

AND

I need to realize that my husband probably feels the same way about me from time to time.

 Perhaps it’s time to enliven our relationship.

Woman and man holding their hands together in the shape of a heart.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash.

Here are 8 ideas that might help put the spark back into your marriage:

1. Recognize that you are both sinful people.

Our default viewpoint is most likely something like this: It’s your job to make me happy, to meet my needs.

Most often we don’t even realize we are operating with this in mind. We must realize that no one person can make us happy, fulfill all our needs. It’s too easy to look to another person to meet needs that we should be looking first to God to meet. He knows us best (Psalm 139) and He is the only one who loves us with a perfect love. 

2. Don’t settle for being roommates.

It’s so easy to fall into this pattern. We are busy with our own careers and he with his. Kids are demanding. Obligations grow. We are tired — too tired to invest in our relationship. We think, It’s too much trouble. Things won’t change. It’s just not worth the effort. I’ll work on my marriage when life calms down.

But life does not calm down. It simply gets more complicated.

The reality is that our marriage is either growing or declining. It cannot remain static. The decline is likely to be very subtle, much like small weeds in a garden that at first glance don’t appear to be harmful but in time, if not pulled, they will choke out a beautiful plant.

3. Realize that we have an enemy who is against our marriage.

The devil is going to work to pull us apart. He is not for our marriage. Our marriage is to glorify God and He does not want that.

I remember a time when John and I were sitting on the couch at the end of the day having a nice conversation. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, we began to get into an argument. Our communication went from pleasant to miserable (ugly). It was as if a dark cloud had entered the room. My husband realized that the enemy had entered our space and was doing his best to pull us apart. Simply realizing this enabled us to pause and to pull together and grant grace to one another.

It’s helpful to realize that sometimes it’s not you or him that’s the problem but our common enemy.

4. Spend time with women who are for your marriage.

It’s too easy to be around women who bash husbands. Who complain to one another about their mates. Instead, we need to have girlfriends who will encourage our relationship with the Lord and our relationship with our husband.

I remember a conversation with my friend Anne. I was complaining about my husband John. She listened to me and empathized with my situation but then she looked me in the eye and said, “Susan what are you doing to grow closer to him?” That’s a good friend! 

5. Choose laughter over frustration.

John has a habit of leaving cupboards and drawers open. I am forever asking him to close them. He just forgets. It’s annoying. And I can get frustrated. Recently I asked myself, “Susan does it really matter?”  It does not. So I don’t need to make such a big deal out of it.

I’m sure I do things that annoy him. Asking, “does this really matter?” has helped me to lighten up!

Pray for laughter to grow in your marriage. Laughter is good medicine in any relationship, and we particularly need it in marriage. One of the main things I pray for each of my 5 married children is that they would laugh together more and more. We need to restore laughter, playfulness, and silliness in our homes.

Young bride and groom with a dark background and bright sunlight coming over their shoulders.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash.

6. Bring back dating.

When we were engaged, a wise older couple challenged us to make a commitment to have a regular date each week. We thought this was a good idea so for most of our 52 years we’ve done this. When we had 5 “littles” we often had to get 2 babysitters to handle them so we could go out. We haven’t made it every week but looking back we’ve probably made it 50% of our married life.

It’s made a huge difference in our relationship. Surprisingly in these later years we’ve found ourselves slipping. It’s just easier to work on projects. And easy to get stuck in a rut and forget how to have fun! So now, we are renewing our commitment to date!

A date is not a time to have a heavy discussion. Save that for later. A date is a time to cultivate your friendship.

7. Seek new adventures together.

Psychologists tell us that one of our needs is new experiences. Take up a new hobby together. Do something you’ve never done before. Kidnap your husband, get a new sexy nightgown, and go to a hotel for a night. Ok, he might faint, but He will feel wanted. Have a conversation in which each of you share 3 things that make you feel loved. You will most likely have different things and you will probably be surprised at what he says. Remember to laugh.

8. Remember your marriage vows.

“For better for worse . . .” Re-do them each year on your anniversary. Even if you are in a painful place. Our heavenly Father understands. He is powerful and He will bring about healing as we turn to Him. Luke reminds us, “For nothing is impossible for God.” (Luke 1:37).

He is for your marriage!

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Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of more than 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

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More of our Family Camp fun from Labor Day weekend More of our Family Camp fun from Labor Day weekend. Such a joy! ⁣
⁣
Be sure to check out the blog for more details and pics. (Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog)⁣
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* Poppy (John) is always happy to get help with the horses and the kids love them.⁣
* There's always a competition of some kind going on! Volleyball, a hula hoop contest, a ping-pong tournament. ⁣
* The "ice cream gutter" is a cherished annual tradition!⁣
* Lots of hanging out, and even some quiet moments, but not a lot of sleep. ⁣
⁣
If you want to host a camp or family event of your own, check out my book Cousin Camp for all kinds of ideas. (Link in bio.)⁣
⁣
#christianmom #christianfamily #grandparent #cousincamp #familycamp
One Word: Mystery One Verse: “To them God ch One Word: 
Mystery 
 
One Verse:
“To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:27
 
One Thought:
You are a God of mystery. It’s a glorious mystery. I can’t explain you even though sometimes I want to. Your mystery is part of what makes you so much greater than man. Thank you that you, with all of your glorious mystery, have chosen to dwell in me.
John and I are in Colorado for a week’s vacation John and I are in Colorado for a week’s vacation, still celebrating 54 years of marriage! We had a fun dinner, sharing about folks who have been role models-mentors for us in ministry and family life over these years. It sparked a fun discussion and thankful memories!
We're so grateful we got to host another Family Ca We're so grateful we got to host another Family Camp over Labor Day weekend!⁣
⁣
Here's a peek behind the scenes. I'm sharing all the details (and more pics!) over on the blog, check it out. (Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog)⁣
⁣
1 - We had 33 of us this year!⁣
2 - So much prep and shopping. But I never clean before they come because I learned that's futile. 😜⁣
3 - Lots of cousin bonding.⁣
4 - My daughter-in-law @christenbyates, who's a professional artist, set up an art station this year and the kids loved it.⁣
5 - Cousins with their camp journals. (I keep the journals at my house and they get to write in them every year.)⁣
6 - John led a short teaching time every day, this year on Psalm 139.⁣
7 - Meals are crazy when you're cooking for 33 people!⁣
8 - There are shoes everywhere. 😂 ⁣
9 - The kids actually did dinner cleanup this year, without any prompting! ⁣
10 - A few of our guys.💙⁣
⁣
#christianfamily #cousincamp #familycamp #christianmom #grandparent
One Word: Shows One Verse: “But God shows hi One Word:  Shows
 
One Verse:

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
 
One Thought:

If you, God Almighty, would send your son to die for me in my own wickedness, then how much more will you show me how to make the decision I need to make.
Cousin love at Family Camp! These are 2 of our you Cousin love at Family Camp! These are 2 of our youngest grands. (We have 21!)

Catch the blog later this week for details and more pics.
This photo of me and John is from our trip to Isra This photo of me and John is from our trip to Israel last fall. When we first got married, I didn't know what being a pastor's wife would entail. Now after more than 50 years of marriage I understand a little better (although I can always learn more!).⁣
⁣
I'm sharing an interview over on my blog with @thegospelcoalition's Front Row Seat series on Supporting Our Husbands.⁣
⁣
We discussed how pastors’ wives can support and encourage their husbands in ministry, marriage, and life. But so much of this applies to any marriage, whether your husband is a pastor or not.⁣
⁣
Check it out -- link in bio, or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog⁣
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You might want to share it with your pastor's wife -- it will encourage her!⁣
⁣
@kristen_wetherell  @kario312⁣
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#christianwife  #pastorswife  #christianmarriage
One Word: Founder One Verse: “...let us run One Word:  Founder
 
One Verse:

“...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith." Hebrews 12: 1-2
 
One Thought:

You are the author of my faith. You began it, Father. It is yours. I ask you to be perfecting it. Thank you that even this isn't up to me. My part is to fix my eyes on you and let you do your work within me.
This is how we feel right now -- we finished our A This is how we feel right now -- we finished our Annual Family Camp yesterday!

4 days with 33 kids and grands; 19 teens sleeping on floors and outside, 44 bags of trash, 15 gallons of ice cream, 67 dirty towels, 135 ping pong games, 90 individual miles hiking on the AT, gleaning from Psalm 139, 532 tickles and hugs, and 2 exhausted grandparents--who are deliriously grateful!

More pics coming soon.

* numbers are estimates 😆

Copyright © 2023 · Susan Alexander Yates · All Rights Reserved
Calligraphy by Jessica Blanchard · Paintings by Christen Yates
Blog and Ask Susan Photo by Natalie Puls Photography · Books Photo by Cambria Elizabeth

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