• About
  • Books
  • One Word
    • One Word
    • Shop One Word Cards
  • Cousin Camp
  • Speaking
  • Audio
  • Blog
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter
    • YouTube
Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

Wisdom for Every Season

  • Character
  • Faith
  • Family
  • Seasons
  • Marriage
  • Parenting
  • Cousin Camp
  • Ask Susan

Raising Good Conversationalists

by Susan Alexander Yates

Do you sometimes feel embarrassed in front of your friends because your child won’t talk and simply grumbles a “yes” or “no” to an adult’s questions? Do you have trouble getting him to talk? Do you yourself feel awkward engaging someone in a conversation?

Some skills in the family will be more “caught than taught,” but becoming a good conversationalist is not one of them. In fact, very few things are simply caught. It takes both modeling and teaching to raise our kids into the adults God has called them to become.

Today’s kids are less socially mature than in earlier generations. Technology has contributed to this. It’s easier to engage a screen than to look someone in the eye and have a live conversation. However a lack of teaching has also contributed to this. Many parents simply don’t realize that conversing is an art form that requires training.

Training our kids to be good conversationalists is an example of living out the second great commandment: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” One way of loving your neighbor (or any other person) is caring enough to draw them out in conversation- to demonstrate that you are really interested in their life, in their opinions, and in learning from them. We want to raise “other centered kids” not “self centered kids.”

With spring vacation and Easter coming many of us will be with extended family and friends. This presents us with an excellent opportunity for teaching the art of conversation. Here are a few tips:

  1. Shyness is not a valid excuse.
    Some of us are extroverts. It’s more natural for us to reach out, to be friendly, to engage with another. Others of us are introverts. We’d rather be left alone and not converse. We are shy to the core. However shyness should not become an excuse for rudeness. We must not let a reticent child off the hook simply because he’s shy. We will have to work harder with this child and it may take longer but it is crucial in raising him to become an adult who reaches out to others and is also comfortable in any social situation. An extroverted child will present us with other challenges. He will need to learn that he doesn’t have to be the center of attention and how to encourage someone else. Each child can learn skills that will help them learn how to talk to others.
  2. Think schedules and relationships.
    It is helpful to think in terms of 2 categories: schedules and relationships. No matter what the age, everyone has a schedule and everyone has relationships. Write down questions that fall into one of these categories. Ask a child, “What is your favorite part of your day at school?”(schedule question). Ask an adult, “Tell me about a project you are working on, or “What does a typical week look like for you?” (schedule question). Ask a child, “Who do you like to hang out with at school, on weekends?” (relationship question). Ask an adult, “Looking back in your life who has influenced you in a positive way and how?” (relationship question)
  3. Learn to use the “clue-in.”
    My son John had invited his friend Joe to come over. I did not know Joe but I wanted to be able to engage with him.
    So I asked John, “Son, I don’t know Joe and I’d like to get to know him but I need you to clue me in as to what he’s like. What is he into? Sports, music, technology?”
    “Mom,” John replied, “He’s into art and in fact he’s really good at it but his parents don’t understand him because they are into sports so it would be really cool if you could talk to him about art and maybe ask him to bring over some of his paintings to show you some time.”
    I appreciated my son’s clueing me in and I had a wonderful time getting to know Joe.
    If you are going to be with others or are having others over for the holidays tell your child about a guest and give them some specific questions they might be able to ask the guest. Sometimes it’s helpful to do this together and to write the questions down particularly if your children are young. We live in the DC area where folks are adept at creating “talking points.” We need to do this with our kids. Often if we are going to an event my husband clues me in about someone I might meet and how I can engage him or her in conversation. I do the same for him. It helps make conversation less awkward and can be the beginning of a deep friendship. Most importantly, it makes the other person feel valued.  
  4. Create a list of good questions.
    Sit down with your kids and come up with a list of good questions. You can use the categories of schedules and relationships as a framework but also make a written list of simple “Anyone-Anytime” questions. Here are a few to get you started: Who is one of your heroes in life? Why? What is one of your favorite books? If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you like to go? What do you enjoy doing when you have some free time? If you could meet anyone in the world who would it be? Why? What has been invented during your lifetime? What is one of your favorite hobbies? What was life like for you when you were my age? (This is a good one to ask a grandparent). Have your children think of questions they would ask other kids (both older and younger) as well as other adults.
  5. Prepare for a specific event.
    Now it’s time to try this out. Discuss an upcoming event. It might be a meal with other families or grandparents. Discuss the folks who will be there. Clue one another in as to something you know about several of the people attending. Select at least one question for each member of the family to use with someone they chose.
    Their assignment: Ask a question of their person sometime during the event. After the event sit together and share what you found out. It works best if you make this a discovery game with younger kids. With older kids or adults simply make time to debrief and share the things you discovered about others. You may hit resistance with your kids, but do it anyway. The more they do it the easier it will become.
  6. Do it over and over again.
    The first time you do this, even if you are simply doing it for yourself, will be the hardest. But anything that is new is awkward at first. Simply keep at it. Keep working on this with your children. Practice asking each other questions at family meals. Don’t give in to weariness. It takes years for this to become natural for some of us. Often we will not feel like caring for others. But we do it anyway because God has called us to reach out to others. We don’t live life by doing what we feel like but by doing what is right.

I remember struggling for years to teach Allison, our first child, how to engage a guest at the dinner table. Most often she sat in stony silence the whole meal. I’ll never forget the day we had her choir director over for a meal and Allison asked her some questions about music. We watched, amazed as our daughter engaged her teacher. She laughed; she actually talked! Afterwards my husband and I looked at each other and said, “Whose child was that?” What happened? After years of repeated training, role playing, nagging, and feeling like failures as parents, we were finally seeing results. God is faithful even when we don’t feel like we are making progress. He is at work in the lives of our children even when we can’t see it. One day we will, meanwhile we keep at it and pray for small signs of progress to encourage us to keep on keeping on! Our God has unlimited patience.

Share803
Pin8
Tweet
Email
Print
811Shares
Share803
Share
Pin
Text
811Shares

You may also enjoy...

Parenting, Toddlers
February 14, 2018 · 2 Comments

« How to Be a Great Mother-in-Law
10 Ways to Avoid Mama Burnout »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comments

  1. Linda says

    February 14, 2018 at 8:35 pm

    I’m wondering if today’s parents don’t realize it can be taught and they are the ones to do so. There’s nothing that will make people take notice more than a child who actually converses. Now could you also address the writing of thank you notes? That social grace is going the way of the dinosaurs!

    Reply
    • susan says

      February 16, 2018 at 10:21 pm

      Thanks for writing Linda. I do have a blog which posted after Christmas on “Why thank-you notes matter.” Let me know what you think of it!
      Blessings and thanks for writing.
      Susan

      Reply

Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of more than 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

Read more…

Recent Posts

  • Good News: Growing as a Christian is Not About Trying Harder
  • Why Thank-You Notes Matter
  • He’s More Than a Baby in a Manger: Jesus, Our Living God
  • You Don’t Need to “Play God”: Reminders from the Christmas Story
  • How to Transform Your Thanksgiving This Year With Outrageous Gratitude

One Word

One Word: Sufficient

Featured Books

And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children

And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Amazon
Buy from Audible.com
And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children
Buy now!

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Amazon
Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy now!
  • Certainty In Christ
  • Subscribe
  • Contact
  • Media Kit
  • Privacy Policy
  • Site Index

Search

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Amazon
Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy now!

Popular

  • How Do You Do It? (Questions for a Mom of Quads)
  • Teenagers Rule at Family Camp: Messy, Crazy, and Oh…
  • Is Resentment or Bitterness Building in Your…

In the bleak midwinter everything is . . . bleak. In the bleak midwinter everything is . . . bleak. But underneath the gloom God is preparing a beautiful garden which will burst forth at just the right time (swipe right!). God is working while we are waiting.
One Word: Everlasting Arms One Verse: “The e One Word:  Everlasting Arms
 
One Verse:

“The eternal God is your dwelling place,
and underneath are the everlasting arms.
And he thrust out the enemy before you
and said, ‘Destroy.“ (Deuteronomy 33:27)

One Thought:

God I love it that you gave your children simple pictures to understand complicated truths. Thank you for your everlasting arms that are under me, under _____ right at this moment. Place this picture in the front of my mind as I live this day.
Did you know that we can't succeed at spiritual gr Did you know that we can't succeed at spiritual growth on our own? We can't just grit our teeth and make ourselves more like Christ? ⁣
⁣
This was a surprising lesson for me as a new believer!⁣
⁣
Read about it in my devotional on @club31women this week. Link in bio, or go to club31women.com/devotional/
One Word: Broken One Verse: And he took bread, One Word: Broken
 
One Verse:

And he took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19

One Thought:

There is so much brokenness in our world. I am broken. So is _____. One thing all humans have in common is our brokenness. Jesus, you are intimately familiar with brokenness. Your body was broken for me, for _____. You understand the pain of brokenness but it is in your brokenness that we can begin to experience wholeness.
Recently I’ve been thinking about a new personal Recently I’ve been thinking about a new personal discipline I want to adopt in this new year. I want to do one thing every day for someone else. It’s a practical application for loving our neighbors as ourselves. It also enables us to get our focus off our selves and onto someone else and this brings us joy. It might be a text or email or postcard or call or cookies left on someone’s front door. This joy of giving fills our cup. It’s also a great thing to involve your whole family in. It helps our kids learn to be other-centered rather than self-centered. Two special friends just sent me these flowers and they have brought me great great joy. Thank you for choosing to bless me. I have learned from your generosity.
One Word: Mystery One Verse: “To them God ch One Word: Mystery 
 
One Verse:

“To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:27
 
One Thought:

You are a God of mystery. It’s a glorious mystery. I can’t explain you even though sometimes I want to. Your mystery is part of what makes you so much greater than man. Thank you that you, with all of your glorious mystery, have chosen to dwell in me.
It’s so much fun to give away some of our old tr It’s so much fun to give away some of our old treasures! I just gave my old Girl Scout badge sash to my young friend Helen, who is a Girl Scout. It brought both of us so much joy and reminded me of how special it is to give things away. I  highly recommend it.

#girlscout #girlscouts
I received this pic and note from one of my nieces I received this pic and note from one of my nieces last week:⁣
⁣
'Your post on thank you notes this morning validated all of my efforts this week!! Look what's sitting on my kitchen counter. Only one more child to go!  Thank you for the good reminder of why we do this!'⁣
⁣
Have your kids gotten their notes done?⁣
⁣
I know it's work to get our children to write thank-you notes, but it's so important! Check out my blog this week for the reasons behind this and some ideas to help make it happen.⁣
⁣
Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com.
One Word: Shows ⁣ ⁣ One Verse:⁣ ⁣ “But G One Word: Shows ⁣
⁣
One Verse:⁣
⁣
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8⁣
⁣
 One Thought:⁣
⁣
If you, God Almighty, would send your Son to die for me in my own wickedness, then how much more will you show me how to make the decision I need to make.⁣
⁣
⁣
#oneword #onewordcards #christianwomen #christianfaith #bedeeplyrooted #womenintheword #shereadstruth #womenoftheword #belovedlife #womenoffaith #gritandvirtue #choosejoy #lampandlight #biblestudy #shepaintstruth #bibleverse #bibleverses #bibleverseoftheday #scriptureoftheday #scriptureart #bibleverseart #dailyverse #dailydevo #dailydevotion #dailydevotional #dailydevotionals #verseoftheday #biblequotes #illustratedfaith #scripture

Copyright © 2023 · Susan Alexander Yates · All Rights Reserved
Calligraphy by Jessica Blanchard · Paintings by Christen Yates
Blog and Ask Susan Photo by Natalie Puls Photography · Books Photo by Cambria Elizabeth

FREE Ebook: 100 Activities for Your Kids!

I have a gift for you! Camp at Home includes 100 things for you to do with your kids of different ages, from toddlers to teens.
Join my email list now to get Camp at Home for FREE!

811Shares
811Shares