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Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

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Family Can Be Hard: How to Handle Painful Family Relationships

by Susan Alexander Yates

Last year, my friend’s family was heading to their mountain house to ski and she was really dreading the trip. “It’s just that with my family, it’s always a week of giving for me, without getting much back,” she said. She has tough relationships with her siblings and there’s been a recent divorce in the family, which complicated everything.

Have you ever felt that way — like you wished your family were just easier?

large family on beach at sunset, photo taken from behind

Remember that every family will go through difficult seasons! (Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash.)

You may be grieving over a prodigal — a child is gone, and you don’t know where he is. A sister has distanced herself from you and will not speak to you. You have no relationship with a parent, 2 of your own children are estranged and will have nothing to do with each other. Because of these family hurts you may feel anger, shame, guilt, and embarrassment.

Because of your own family of origin, you may lack the knowledge of how to build a strong family yourself.

Just the word family can evoke pain.

AND THEN

When we look at someone else’s family, they seem to have it altogether. As we compare our family to theirs, we feel like a failure. 

It is helpful to realize that there is always “data missing.” We don’t know the struggles, fears, and failures of that family. They too are self-centered, sinful people who hurt each other, say things they regret, and make big mistakes.

Beware of falling into the comparison trap. This trap invokes jealousy, encourages self-pity, and can damage friendships. No one chooses the family into which they are born, and no one determines the personality (makeup) of their child. This is God’s choice. 

If we are honest, each of us will feel many times in different seasons of parenting, “Ok, I have ruined this child.” In one of my moments of saying this I sensed God saying, 

Susan your ability to ruin your child is not nearly as great as my power to redeem him (or her).”

This truth has made a big difference in my life. 

We must remember that God created family.

It was His idea. In the beginning He was part of a family — Father God, His Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. But that wasn’t enough, so they created man, Adam. Then God said it was not good for man to be alone, so He created Eve as a wife for Adam.

Through their disobedience sin entered family units. Even so God did not give up on family. Family has continued ever since.

Family has a broad meaning. We usually think of family as a dad, mom, and kids. But throughout both the Old and New Testaments we see family described as large tribes, small units, particularly the family of the church. A family might include singles as well as married people, young people, and old people.

God knows that we are not meant to be alone. We need one another. The big concept here can be summarized in a single word: together.

However, Families are MESSY.

There is no perfect family. We are all a mess to some degree. Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest are only images. Behind every perfect photo is a self-centered person. One who has used ugly words, done awful things, hurt other people, and even discovered they don’t like themselves very much.

It helps to remember that God is not shocked by our situation, by our wounds, or by our history. He’s seen it all. And there’s nothing He can’t forgive, nothing He can’t change, and no one He can’t heal. As Luke says, “For nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37 ESV) So no matter where you come from or your current marital status, you can be the first of a generation of a healthy family.

We long for healthy family relationships. We want our children and grandchildren to love the Lord and to love each other. This may be the greatest desire of our hearts.  

lavender background with quote in front: God created family and it is good!

How do we begin to turn a fractured family into a healthy family?

Three things will help:

  • Let Grace Rule.

You may have a difficult relationship with your daughter-in-law. You wonder if she likes you. Or your son may be in a hard place, and you feel him withdrawing from you and the family. Cousins may not have much in common or may even dislike each other. Decide to set aside your assumptions (which could be false) and choose to let grace rule. This may involve using kind words (Proverbs 16:24) or remaining silent when offended. (Proverbs 17:28).

Solomon says it this way: 

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense…Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” (Proverbs 19:11; 16:24)  

  • Be quick to forgive.

We need to be quick to ask for forgiveness and quick to forgive. I talk about this a lot, but the truth is, you may never actually feel like asking for forgiveness. Do it anyway. We do it because we’re commanded to, not because we feel like it.

We are also to forgive others, even if they don’t ask for forgiveness. When Jesus taught the disciples how to pray the Lord’s prayer, He told them to pray, “Forgive us our debts (sins) as we have also forgiven our debtors.” (those who sin against us). Jesus doesn’t say if that person who hurt you asks to be forgiven, then forgive. Instead, He calls us to take the initiative, to forgive anyway. No matter what. Forgiveness does not automatically bring good feelings or restore trust. These take time and the help of the Holy Spirit and often good counsel. 

I believe that forgiveness is the most important ingredient in the family. God willing, we are raising future husbands and wives. How will they know how to forgive their own spouses and family members if we don’t practice this in our homes?

Is there someone in your extended family that you need to ask for forgiveness? I encourage you to go now. You cannot control their response, but you can be obedient to God and trust Him for the results.  

  • Assume the Best

A sister or cousin or adult child or even a parent has not been in touch with you. It’s easy to assume they are mad for some reason, or simply don’t like you. However, it’s possible that their behavior has nothing to do with you at all. They may have real pain in their own life of which you have no knowledge. Life is hard for everyone. Do not assume the worst. Instead assume this person needs your love. Take the initiative and reach out to them.  

Two adult siblings were at odds with one another. Both had children. A family gathering wasn’t particularly appealing to them, but because they wanted their children to know each other they came. As these cousins built friendships, the adults began to experience healing in their relationships. Sometimes it will take the next generation to lead the elders.

Whatever your family situation is, God knows all about it —  many more details than you know. He has the whole picture: the wounds, the causes, the failings, the potential. He is the one who loves to redeem. Matthew reminds us,

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

My friend went back to the mountains with her family this year, and things had changed for the better. Over the years, with love and prayer, and some difficult but open conversations, things have dramatically improved with some of her family relationships. Praise God!

Sometimes this takes a long time, and we don’t always get the results we want. But we can keep working and praying and loving.

God created family and it is good. 

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

He will give His grace abundantly.

You will find many of these concepts and others in my book Cousin Camp. Gathering family members together for a reunion is one way to bring about healing and grow new friendships. This book includes ideas for adult only reunions, extended family get togethers and a grandkids camp.

You may also want to read:

  • Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Women Share Their Hearts
  • Mothers and Adult Daughters: Understanding One Another
  • Facing Conflict with Friends, Family, or Fellow Church Members? Do These 4 Things.

 

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Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of more than 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

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  • A few good reads…and a summer break.
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More of our Family Camp fun from Labor Day weekend More of our Family Camp fun from Labor Day weekend. Such a joy! ⁣
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Be sure to check out the blog for more details and pics. (Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog)⁣
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* Poppy (John) is always happy to get help with the horses and the kids love them.⁣
* There's always a competition of some kind going on! Volleyball, a hula hoop contest, a ping-pong tournament. ⁣
* The "ice cream gutter" is a cherished annual tradition!⁣
* Lots of hanging out, and even some quiet moments, but not a lot of sleep. ⁣
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If you want to host a camp or family event of your own, check out my book Cousin Camp for all kinds of ideas. (Link in bio.)⁣
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#christianmom #christianfamily #grandparent #cousincamp #familycamp
One Word: Mystery One Verse: “To them God ch One Word: 
Mystery 
 
One Verse:
“To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:27
 
One Thought:
You are a God of mystery. It’s a glorious mystery. I can’t explain you even though sometimes I want to. Your mystery is part of what makes you so much greater than man. Thank you that you, with all of your glorious mystery, have chosen to dwell in me.
John and I are in Colorado for a week’s vacation John and I are in Colorado for a week’s vacation, still celebrating 54 years of marriage! We had a fun dinner, sharing about folks who have been role models-mentors for us in ministry and family life over these years. It sparked a fun discussion and thankful memories!
We're so grateful we got to host another Family Ca We're so grateful we got to host another Family Camp over Labor Day weekend!⁣
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Here's a peek behind the scenes. I'm sharing all the details (and more pics!) over on the blog, check it out. (Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog)⁣
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1 - We had 33 of us this year!⁣
2 - So much prep and shopping. But I never clean before they come because I learned that's futile. 😜⁣
3 - Lots of cousin bonding.⁣
4 - My daughter-in-law @christenbyates, who's a professional artist, set up an art station this year and the kids loved it.⁣
5 - Cousins with their camp journals. (I keep the journals at my house and they get to write in them every year.)⁣
6 - John led a short teaching time every day, this year on Psalm 139.⁣
7 - Meals are crazy when you're cooking for 33 people!⁣
8 - There are shoes everywhere. 😂 ⁣
9 - The kids actually did dinner cleanup this year, without any prompting! ⁣
10 - A few of our guys.💙⁣
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#christianfamily #cousincamp #familycamp #christianmom #grandparent
One Word: Shows One Verse: “But God shows hi One Word:  Shows
 
One Verse:

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
 
One Thought:

If you, God Almighty, would send your son to die for me in my own wickedness, then how much more will you show me how to make the decision I need to make.
Cousin love at Family Camp! These are 2 of our you Cousin love at Family Camp! These are 2 of our youngest grands. (We have 21!)

Catch the blog later this week for details and more pics.
This photo of me and John is from our trip to Isra This photo of me and John is from our trip to Israel last fall. When we first got married, I didn't know what being a pastor's wife would entail. Now after more than 50 years of marriage I understand a little better (although I can always learn more!).⁣
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I'm sharing an interview over on my blog with @thegospelcoalition's Front Row Seat series on Supporting Our Husbands.⁣
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We discussed how pastors’ wives can support and encourage their husbands in ministry, marriage, and life. But so much of this applies to any marriage, whether your husband is a pastor or not.⁣
⁣
Check it out -- link in bio, or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog⁣
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You might want to share it with your pastor's wife -- it will encourage her!⁣
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@kristen_wetherell  @kario312⁣
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#christianwife  #pastorswife  #christianmarriage
One Word: Founder One Verse: “...let us run One Word:  Founder
 
One Verse:

“...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith." Hebrews 12: 1-2
 
One Thought:

You are the author of my faith. You began it, Father. It is yours. I ask you to be perfecting it. Thank you that even this isn't up to me. My part is to fix my eyes on you and let you do your work within me.
This is how we feel right now -- we finished our A This is how we feel right now -- we finished our Annual Family Camp yesterday!

4 days with 33 kids and grands; 19 teens sleeping on floors and outside, 44 bags of trash, 15 gallons of ice cream, 67 dirty towels, 135 ping pong games, 90 individual miles hiking on the AT, gleaning from Psalm 139, 532 tickles and hugs, and 2 exhausted grandparents--who are deliriously grateful!

More pics coming soon.

* numbers are estimates 😆

Copyright © 2023 · Susan Alexander Yates · All Rights Reserved
Calligraphy by Jessica Blanchard · Paintings by Christen Yates
Blog and Ask Susan Photo by Natalie Puls Photography · Books Photo by Cambria Elizabeth

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