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Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

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Family Can Be Hard: How to Handle Painful Family Relationships

by Susan Alexander Yates

Last year, my friend’s family was heading to their mountain house to ski and she was really dreading the trip. “It’s just that with my family, it’s always a week of giving for me, without getting much back,” she said. She has tough relationships with her siblings and there’s been a recent divorce in the family, which complicated everything.

Have you ever felt that way — like you wished your family were just easier?

large family on beach at sunset, photo taken from behind

Remember that every family will go through difficult seasons! (Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash.)

You may be grieving over a prodigal — a child is gone, and you don’t know where he is. A sister has distanced herself from you and will not speak to you. You have no relationship with a parent, 2 of your own children are estranged and will have nothing to do with each other. Because of these family hurts you may feel anger, shame, guilt, and embarrassment.

Because of your own family of origin, you may lack the knowledge of how to build a strong family yourself.

Just the word family can evoke pain.

AND THEN

When we look at someone else’s family, they seem to have it altogether. As we compare our family to theirs, we feel like a failure. 

It is helpful to realize that there is always “data missing.” We don’t know the struggles, fears, and failures of that family. They too are self-centered, sinful people who hurt each other, say things they regret, and make big mistakes.

Beware of falling into the comparison trap. This trap invokes jealousy, encourages self-pity, and can damage friendships. No one chooses the family into which they are born, and no one determines the personality (makeup) of their child. This is God’s choice. 

If we are honest, each of us will feel many times in different seasons of parenting, “Ok, I have ruined this child.” In one of my moments of saying this I sensed God saying, 

Susan your ability to ruin your child is not nearly as great as my power to redeem him (or her).”

This truth has made a big difference in my life. 

We must remember that God created family.

It was His idea. In the beginning He was part of a family — Father God, His Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. But that wasn’t enough, so they created man, Adam. Then God said it was not good for man to be alone, so He created Eve as a wife for Adam.

Through their disobedience sin entered family units. Even so God did not give up on family. Family has continued ever since.

Family has a broad meaning. We usually think of family as a dad, mom, and kids. But throughout both the Old and New Testaments we see family described as large tribes, small units, particularly the family of the church. A family might include singles as well as married people, young people, and old people.

God knows that we are not meant to be alone. We need one another. The big concept here can be summarized in a single word: together.

However, Families are MESSY.

There is no perfect family. We are all a mess to some degree. Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest are only images. Behind every perfect photo is a self-centered person. One who has used ugly words, done awful things, hurt other people, and even discovered they don’t like themselves very much.

It helps to remember that God is not shocked by our situation, by our wounds, or by our history. He’s seen it all. And there’s nothing He can’t forgive, nothing He can’t change, and no one He can’t heal. As Luke says, “For nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37 ESV) So no matter where you come from or your current marital status, you can be the first of a generation of a healthy family.

We long for healthy family relationships. We want our children and grandchildren to love the Lord and to love each other. This may be the greatest desire of our hearts.  

lavender background with quote in front: God created family and it is good!

How do we begin to turn a fractured family into a healthy family?

Three things will help:

  • Let Grace Rule.

You may have a difficult relationship with your daughter-in-law. You wonder if she likes you. Or your son may be in a hard place, and you feel him withdrawing from you and the family. Cousins may not have much in common or may even dislike each other. Decide to set aside your assumptions (which could be false) and choose to let grace rule. This may involve using kind words (Proverbs 16:24) or remaining silent when offended. (Proverbs 17:28).

Solomon says it this way: 

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense…Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” (Proverbs 19:11; 16:24)  

  • Be quick to forgive.

We need to be quick to ask for forgiveness and quick to forgive. I talk about this a lot, but the truth is, you may never actually feel like asking for forgiveness. Do it anyway. We do it because we’re commanded to, not because we feel like it.

We are also to forgive others, even if they don’t ask for forgiveness. When Jesus taught the disciples how to pray the Lord’s prayer, He told them to pray, “Forgive us our debts (sins) as we have also forgiven our debtors.” (those who sin against us). Jesus doesn’t say if that person who hurt you asks to be forgiven, then forgive. Instead, He calls us to take the initiative, to forgive anyway. No matter what. Forgiveness does not automatically bring good feelings or restore trust. These take time and the help of the Holy Spirit and often good counsel. 

I believe that forgiveness is the most important ingredient in the family. God willing, we are raising future husbands and wives. How will they know how to forgive their own spouses and family members if we don’t practice this in our homes?

Is there someone in your extended family that you need to ask for forgiveness? I encourage you to go now. You cannot control their response, but you can be obedient to God and trust Him for the results.  

  • Assume the Best

A sister or cousin or adult child or even a parent has not been in touch with you. It’s easy to assume they are mad for some reason, or simply don’t like you. However, it’s possible that their behavior has nothing to do with you at all. They may have real pain in their own life of which you have no knowledge. Life is hard for everyone. Do not assume the worst. Instead assume this person needs your love. Take the initiative and reach out to them.  

Two adult siblings were at odds with one another. Both had children. A family gathering wasn’t particularly appealing to them, but because they wanted their children to know each other they came. As these cousins built friendships, the adults began to experience healing in their relationships. Sometimes it will take the next generation to lead the elders.

Whatever your family situation is, God knows all about it —  many more details than you know. He has the whole picture: the wounds, the causes, the failings, the potential. He is the one who loves to redeem. Matthew reminds us,

With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

My friend went back to the mountains with her family this year, and things had changed for the better. Over the years, with love and prayer, and some difficult but open conversations, things have dramatically improved with some of her family relationships. Praise God!

Sometimes this takes a long time, and we don’t always get the results we want. But we can keep working and praying and loving.

God created family and it is good. 

Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

He will give His grace abundantly.

You will find many of these concepts and others in my book Cousin Camp. Gathering family members together for a reunion is one way to bring about healing and grow new friendships. This book includes ideas for adult only reunions, extended family get togethers and a grandkids camp.

You may also want to read:

  • Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Women Share Their Hearts
  • Mothers and Adult Daughters: Understanding One Another
  • Facing Conflict with Friends, Family, or Fellow Church Members? Do These 4 Things.

 

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Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of more than 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

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  • How God’s Creation Comforts and Restores Me
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  • Family Can Be Hard: How to Handle Painful Family Relationships
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One Word: Warrior One Verse: “The Lord is a One Word:  Warrior 
 
One Verse:

“The Lord is a warrior; the Lord is His name." Exodus 15:3
 
One Thought:

Lord, it is good for me to be reminded that you are a warrior. You are not a pushover, or weak. You are mighty. You fight for me. You defend me. You have my back. You are for me.
One morning recently I watched my dog, Charley, wa One morning recently I watched my dog, Charley, watch me. He noticed my every move. If I looked him in the eye he would hop up and come to me. If I moved he would follow me. He listens for my voice. His greatest joy is for me to communicate with him, to pay attention to him. He loves me unconditionally, even if I’m having a bad day, blown it with a family member or friend, or still have on my smelly sweats! Watching him watch me I think about how he reflects God. Our heavenly Father watches over me. He waits for me to notice Him. He takes great joy when I call out to Him. He loves me no matter what.

“Father thank you for Charley and for using him to remind me how much You rejoice when I pay attention to You. At this moment, You are waiting patiently for me.”
These are my two 8th grade granddaughters (cousins These are my two 8th grade granddaughters (cousins). Last time they were in town we went thrift shopping, and they found a single pair of pajamas that they could both fit into at one time, lol!⁣
⁣
I've been thinking about them a lot lately as I just discovered my old 8th grade diary, which is hysterical. One of the main things I discovered is that even though so much has changed in the many years since I was in 8th grade, there are still lots of things that are the same.⁣
⁣
Read some excerpts and get insights for parenting middle school kids in my blog, "Help for Parents of Middle School Kids: Insights From My 8th Grade Diary."⁣
⁣
Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog
One Word: Sustains One Verse: “Surely God is One Word: Sustains 
 
One Verse:

“Surely God is my help. The Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4
 
One Thought:

Father, you sustain me in the tediousness of drudgery or the extreme challenges of life. Whatever I fear - you are sustaining me, my friend, my child. It is your joy to do so!
Getting ready for Holy Week: One of my favorite re Getting ready for Holy Week: One of my favorite reads! I read this every couple of years to prepare for Easter.
Recently I found the most hilarious thing — a di Recently I found the most hilarious thing — a diary I kept when I was in 8th grade! (Swipe right to see a photo of me with my siblings from around that time.)⁣
⁣
Here are a couple excerpts:⁣
⁣
“I’m afraid I’m beginning to like Jimmy but I don’t want to because I really hate him.”⁣
⁣
"Nothing much happened today. Linda and I are real pals now and don’t like Becky. She’s bossy and conceited.”⁣
⁣
"I am a complete failure. I must remember that popularity isn’t everything.”⁣
⁣
I'm still laughing as I read it. But it actually gave me some insights that are helpful with my two 8th grade granddaughters -- and insights you may appreciate if you're the parent of a middle schooler. ⁣
⁣
Get the full scoop on my blog -- link in profile or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog
One Word: Understands One Verse: “Great is o One Word:  Understands
 
One Verse:

“Great is our Lord and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure." Psalm 147:5
 
One Thought:

When no one else can understand me or my situation, you do completely, O Lord.
I had the best time recently with the Women from A I had the best time recently with the Women from Apostles Anglican Church in Houston! Our retreat was held at the lovely Hill House in the countryside. We were spoiled by incredible food, restored by the bucolic scenery, and spiritually fed by rich fellowship. Thank you Langley and these wonderful women!

 @apostleshouston  @historichillhouse
This is so important to remember when we're strugg This is so important to remember when we're struggling with our family relationships: God created family.⁣
⁣
It was His idea. In the beginning He was part of a family -- Father God, His Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. But that wasn’t enough, so they created man, Adam. Then God said it was not good for man to be alone, so He created Eve as a wife for Adam.⁣
⁣
Through their disobedience sin entered family units. Even so God did not give up on family. Family has continued ever since.⁣
⁣
Family has a broad meaning. We usually think of family as a dad, mom, and kids. But throughout both the Old and New Testaments we see family described as large tribes, small units, particularly the family of the church. A family might include singles as well as married people, young people, and old people.⁣
⁣
God knows that we are not meant to be alone. We need one another. The big concept here can be summarized in a single word: together.⁣
⁣
But that doesn't mean family is easy! It can be incredibly difficult at times. If you're looking for hope or help with your family relationships, check out my blog this week: "Family Can Be Hard: How to Handle Painful Family Relationships."⁣
⁣
Link in bio or go to  susanalexanderyates.com/blog

Copyright © 2023 · Susan Alexander Yates · All Rights Reserved
Calligraphy by Jessica Blanchard · Paintings by Christen Yates
Blog and Ask Susan Photo by Natalie Puls Photography · Books Photo by Cambria Elizabeth

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