Five of us were gathered in a friend’s kitchen for coffee and sharing. We were all committed believers involved in various types of ministry, meeting out of the need for encouragement and accountability. But this morning we were not prepared for her bombshell.
I need to tell you all something. I find that I am becoming attracted to a man who is not my husband. As you know I’m an artist and poet, and he’s a writer and thinker. We read the same books and often ask similar questions. We appreciate one another’s sensitive natures.
Because he’s in the same profession that my husband is we are thrown together in a lot of social occasions. I look forward to these because it means I’ll have time with him. We’ve begun to talk on the phone during the week and to share deep thoughts.
In so many ways I feel he meets my needs more than my husband does. Nothing has happened yet. But I know I’m treading on dangerous ground and I need to ask you to hold me accountable to ending this relationship.”
As we sat in stunned silence, her phone rang. Getting up from the table she turned to answer the call. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw her face turn ashen white. And then as she glanced back at us I heard her say,
I need to ask you not to call me anymore. Our relationship is treading on dangerous ground and it needs to end now. Please don’t contact me again. Good bye.”
With eyes full of tears she rejoined our table.
We marveled:
At a woman who recognized that she was being tempted and chose to flee temptation instead of flirting with it.
At a woman who realized the power of accountable girlfriends and chose to confess her struggle to friends who would push her to do what is right.
At a God who chose that exact moment to have this man call her in order that, with us there, she would have the courage to end the relationship.
There are so many lessons here.
- Each of us is vulnerable to an affair. There is no one man who can meet all of our needs. They were not created to. Too often we look to our husband to meet needs he wasn’t created to meet — needs that would be best met by God Himself or by other women.
- We need a few accountable friends, who will empathize with us but more importantly, ones who will push us toward Christ and toward our husband, friends who will insist we do what is right, not necessarily what we feel like.
- A wise woman will notice when she is vulnerable and take steps to flee temptation and to grow closer to her husband. Most affairs for women begin at the emotional level. Recognize this and take care that it is your own husband with whom you share your deep thoughts. Or some close women friends.
- Jesus himself taught us to pray, “Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.” Never forget that our God is one who will deliver us if we sincerely want to be delivered.
Consider:
Matthew 6:13, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, James 4:7, 1Corinthians 10:12-13
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I know I should not be involved with the marriage of my only daughter. She got married in August to a good man. And because he has a JD (juris doctorate) he was hired in a law first even before passing the bar as a post bar associate ( he did not pass the bar he took in July 2019) and he was devastated. Last night at prayer meeting he shared a testimony with the group and my daughter was there that he will retake the bar in Feb 2020. There were already plans for them to move to NY where my daughter was accepted in a university for her BSN and they are planning to move in Feb. So I felt sad when I saw my daughter cried. Her husband has a co-worker(female) and he told us that they have been texting each other and exchanging emails and talking at work but he told us it is about spiritual things. This bothers me. I saw him check his phone last night while in bible study. This woman who already passed the bar helped my son in-law financially ($400) to get a good review for the coming bar exams which is good because being newlyweds they do not have finances at this time. I have a heavy heart because of my daughter. My pastors told her that God planned this so as not to separate them. To me it seems that he is getting emotionally attached to this coworker. I prayed to God that my daughter will have peace. Prayed that their marriage be strong and that no weapon formed against them shall prosper. The devil is works in our relationships and right now he is trying to break a unity.
Dear Lilia,
I am so sorry about your daughter and the pain and fears you have for her. We do have to be careful not to come between our married kids. Their relationship is priority. However, if you have the kind of relationship with your son in law that you could share your concerns with him that might be an option. But I would suggest asking the advice of someone who knows your family well and could counsel you. I am praying for you today.
Warmly, Susan
I wish I were not all to familiar with this slippery slope. One of our extended family fell there. I nearly did before I was married. Glory to God for His help!
Karen,
Thanks for writing. Your words are a good warning for all of us!
Blessings, Susan
This is so true. Thanks so much for sharing. When I first got married, I went down that road. It is so easy also to have an emotional affair. After my husband and I painfully worked through that, I can see how tempting it is to distance yourself from the church. For me, I felt like people wouldn’t understand and the shame ate at me because how could I even like someone other than my husband? Now looking back years later, I tell friends and family constantly to always stay in the word. It is so easy for something to start as something small like a call, a text, or a friendly hug. Before you know it, feelings get involved. Your friend is truly awesome to be able to be honest. I remember during that time how lonely I felt.
Once I found myself here. Unfortunately, I do not have friends I could confide in. One day I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to my ears ‘if a women begins to have feelings for a man in her heart, it is adultery’. And that was it for me. I thank God for His word and for the power of the Holy Ghost. I have never been there again
Dear Victoria,
Thank you so much for your honesty!
Your experience is a great example for all of us in how to fell temptation!
Blessings, Susan
For several years, I facilitated a divorce recovery group and the most devastating of all reasons for a broken marriage was infidelity. Those attending this group whose spouse did this had such complex emotions to overcome because adultery effects some very core elements like trust, loyalty and commitment. I say all this to appeal to anyone married who is entering into an inappropriate relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Please consider your actions very carefully. And yes, almost all of the affairs start out emotional and the physical follows whether you think you can control it or not. An emotional affair is breaking the commitment to your spouse no less than a physical affair. The pain you are going to cause is not just to your spouse, this causes pain to your children, your friends and your other family members. It’s far-reaching. I urge anyone involved in this type of marital infidelity to get help from a trusted member of your church or a friend or counselor who values marriage and will give God-honoring advice.
Thanks so much for this Kimberly! It is indeed sage advice.
Blessings, Susan
Wise, insightful, necessary! May we all have close friends to hold us accountable. Thank you.
Thank you Jessica!
A story like yours will encourage others.
Blessings, Susan
Dear Susan,
God is so good, and how wonderful that He convicted your friend to want to keep from going deeper into this relationship, and His timing in providing you for strength when she needed it. May He protect our marriages and keep our thoughts pure.