Letting go, keeping tabs, setting limits, extending grace—it all seems to get muddled in our role as parents.
How do we know what to do? What is right?
There is so much pressure on parents today to make sure they are doing this right. There is way too much advice on what a good parent should do or not do. Friends, podcasts, blogs, books, and culture often scream contrary messages.
Our confusion builds, and our confidence dips.
To move from confusion to clarity with a plan, it helps to ask this question:
“What is our goal in raising our children?”
John and I approached this question in two ways.
Our first goal comes from Jesus’s answer to this question in Matthew 22:37. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment and the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” We have prayed that our children (and grandchildren) would love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and their neighbor as themselves. Our first “neighbors” are those with whom we live so our desire is that our children would grow in love and support for their siblings throughout their whole lives. (This doesn’t mean they won’t argue or experience sibling rivalry. They, like us, are sinful humans, but they are also just kids.)
Our second goal has been:
To raise independent, confident kids who will make a positive difference in the world.
No parent wants to mess up their child. We want to raise secure, healthy children. However, it’s easy to fall into cultural pressures without even realizing it. A person who tends to overparent can stunt a child’s growth toward responsibility, confidence, and independence. What I mean by overparenting is when we, as parents, step in to take care of things that our children should be doing for themselves or managing their lives so they don’t have to struggle.
Here are a few things that will help decrease the confusion and provide clarity.
- Don’t be afraid to say “no” to your child.
A current trend is “gentle parenting.” This can mean that you avoid saying “no” to your child. Instead, you divert their attention to something else. Diversion may work for very small children, but they need to learn the word “no.” They are going to live in a world in which they will hear “no” and in which they will have to say “no.” We must train them from a young age in how to handle “no.” “No” means “no” and not, maybe I will change my mind if you fuss about it long enough. - Let them learn that their actions have consequences.
Praise them for the good choices they make. Advise them when appropriate. Their need for our advice will decrease as they continue to grow.
However, don’t save them from the consequences of poor choices. If you do, you are unintentionally teaching them that their actions have no impact. They do, both negative and positive. - Let them fail and pray they get caught if they have done something wrong.
Support them in their failure, but don’t bail them out. If their failure is the result of normal life experiences (not making a team, etc.), comfort them but do not intervene (don’t call the coach, etc.) Disappointment is a normal part of life, and they need to learn how to handle this without Mom or Dad intervening on their behalf. - Don’t solve all of their problems.
Problems provide the opportunity to build resilience. Encourage them in problem-solving. Ask them good questions to get them started. - Don’t intervene in their relational conflicts, particularly as they enter the teen years.
They need to learn how to handle these on their own. - View boredom as an opportunity.
It’s easy for our kids to expect to be entertained all the time. Instead, an unstructured space encourages initiative and creativity. An attitude of “It’s your job to make sure I’m entertained and happy” simply encourages a robust self-centeredness, which, among other things, can have a negative impact on their future marriage. - As they grow up, give them greater responsibility for choosing their activities—ballet, soccer, etc.
Help them discern what to do and what not to do. There are so many options, but they cannot do it all. We and our kids need to recognize our limits. As our kids learn to take more control of their lives, they will gain confidence in becoming independent. Let them do it. Cheer them on as you watch their confidence grow. - Encourage them to take good risks.
Avoid overprotection or tracking them. You don’t need to use “Life360” all day. This will merely cause your anxiety to increase. Your overprotecting will handicap them and make them feel you don’t trust them or don’t trust God to take care of them. This will be hard for us parents, but we must ask ourselves, “Am I trusting God to take care of this child?” - Train them in life skills from an early age.
Teach your children to make their own beds, do their own laundry, learn how to use the Post Office, and a land line (You’d be surprised that many of today’s kids don’t know these things!), role play how to interview for a job, practice manners—looking someone in the eye, table manners, writing thank you notes—and participate in family chores. - Ask yourself: How will this parenting decision impact my child in 5 years, 10 years? What is my long-term goal?
Because of our age, we have more perspective than our child does. We need to focus on the long term rather than on immediate satisfaction.
You may be thinking, “This sounds good, but it’s so hard.
My job as a parent is to protect my child.”Years ago, when our son Chris was in college, he and two friends wanted to bike across America. His brother John would join them midway.
Our initial reaction was, “No way!”But then the boys presented a well-thought-out, written, and researched plan at a meeting with us parents. We raised every concern we could think of, which they thoughtfully addressed.
Did they do it? They did! Beginning on the coast of Oregon and landing at Virginia Beach.
Were John and I skeptical? Terrified? Yes.
Those two summer months, I lived in Psalm 91. I fought fear every day. But I began to understand in new ways that I cannot assume the role of God in my child’s life. He loves my child even more than I do, and I must rely on Him to protect him.
This was years ago and an unusual situation, but the principle is still the same today. We need to ask ourselves, “In my good desire to protect and provide for my child, am I unintentionally keeping him or her from growing in responsibility and confidence?”
Here’s a prayer for our kids from Philippians 1:6. “For I am confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
GOD IS WORKING WHILE WE ARE WAITING
Some suggested resources:
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