• About
  • Books
  • One Word
    • One Word
    • Shop One Word Cards
  • Cousin Camp
  • Speaking
  • Audio
  • Blog
    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • Twitter
    • YouTube
Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

Wisdom for Every Season

  • Character
  • Faith
  • Family
  • Seasons
  • Marriage
  • Parenting
  • Cousin Camp
  • Ask Susan

Stop the Sass

by Susan Alexander Yates

“You stupid, big fat ugly Mommy.” “You are so mean. I wish you weren’t my Mom.”
“You are the worst Mom in the world.” Or: “No! I won’t!”

If you haven’t heard these phrases or ones like these in your home you must not have kids!

Backtalk in a home with children of any age is a common occurrence. But it can leave us feeling like the worst parent in
the world. We wonder, Am I handling this right? My friend’s child doesn’t do this. Her child is respectful. My child mouths off constantly. I am about to lose it!

Here are 6 tips to help face the challenge of sass:

  1. Remember you are the boss.
    Children, especially strong willed ones, will inevitably try to “run the show” and if you get in their way they will let you know it, often with a tongue-lashing. It’s easy to become involved in a power play. But this is dangerous for the child and will perpetuate problems for the parents. Remind your child that you are the boss. You determine what is acceptable and what is not. Avoid a lengthy debate particularly with young children. They can negotiate you to death and sometimes you simply need to end the conversation. They must obey you or there will be consequences, period.
  2. Be very clear about what words are allowed.
    “In your face” verbal abuse should never be permitted. Neither should blatant rudeness.
    “You are a —-.” is not acceptable. This is a lack of respect and respect is a character issue.
    “If you don’t—-, I won’t— or I will–” is not acceptable. These are threats and they put the child in the position of calling the shots. Stomping your foot and saying “no” to a request from a parent is not permitted. This is defiance. So how do we respond when this happens to us? If it is verbal abuse say, “You may not speak to me in that manner and then immediately initiate a punishment. There are many options for punishment. The most important thing to remember is that the punishment must be swift, very unpleasant for the child, and then be over and love given. A consequence that doesn’t cause pain or sadness to a child has no meaning. What you choose will depend upon the age of the child, the infraction and what has meaning to this particular child. It is important to recognize that a child who gets away with verbal abuse will be more likely to become a teenager who verbally abuses his parents and rebels, an adult who abuses his colleagues or employers, and a married person who abuses his or her spouse.
  3. Distinguish between back talk and feelings.
    There is a fine line between a child expressing her feelings and verbal abuse and it isn’t always easy to tell the difference. A child who says, “you are so mean, everyone else gets to…” is expressing her feelings if she is not in your face with defiance. A good response to this might be, “I’m sure you feel that way now but one day you’ll understand.” Or employ a little humor and respond, “I probably am the meanest Mom in town,” and burst out laughing. Humor often dissolves tension. Our daughter Libby was punishing her 4-year-old daughter Greyson. Greyson responded, “When I get to “Cousin Camp” this summer I am going to tell your Mommy (that’s me!) how ugly you have been to me!” Libby responded, “You do that!” I am still laughing over this.
  4. Give them words to use.
    Give your children words to use to express their feelings in a way that is not defiance. “I feel like….” Is a good substitute for, “You ‘blankety blank.’”   But remember when it is clear verbal abuse do not negotiate, take action. It is particularly important to discuss with your teens how to argue without crossing the line to disrespect. Role-playing is helpful. In a conversation demonstrate both a healthy way to make your case and a disrespectful way to engage. Practice and listen to each other. This is a skill they will need to develop for many relationships. You may not come to agreement but the exchange can be done with civility. You are still the parent, the boss.
  5. Practice forgiveness.
    The most important ingredient in the home is that of forgiveness. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to go to my husband or to a child and say,” I shouldn’t have said what I did and I need to ask you to forgive me. Will you forgive me? “I can’t remember a single time in which I felt like doing this. I’d much rather have said, “But if you had__ or hadn’t___.” We go to one another out of obedience not feelings. Feelings take time to heal. Genuine healing will be difficult apart from the asking and granting of forgiveness. Saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough unless it is an accident- like spilled milk, or a broken dish. When we intentionally wound one another we must ask forgiveness. God willing, we are raising future husbands and wives and they are going to need to know how to practice forgiveness in their future homes. It will help them if they see us doing it now.
  6. Remember it’s never too late to do what is right.
    If you realize that you have been letting your kids get away with verbal abuse you can still do a course correction. Agree as a couple what your new policies will be. Write them down. Mom and Dad must be on the same page or your child will play you against each other. You have to cover each other’s back. One Dad upon witnessing his child verbally abusing his wife said, “You may not speak to the woman I love in that manner.”

Call the kids together at a time-not in the midst of conflict- and clearly explain the new policy. Include what is and is not acceptable and what the consequences will be. It is likely to take at least 3 times of enforcement when you change course before they believe you really mean what you say. Consistency and firmness are crucial. One of the things that is so hard for parents is that we feel like we do this over and over and don’t make any progress. Our expectations are unrealistic. This kind of training takes years. Just keep at it. You are getting through even if you don’t feel like it right now. Our child’s security comes from knowing he or she is not the boss. We are. It helps to ask them with humor, “Who is the boss?” Who loves you the most in all the world?”

“I do!”

 

Share129
Pin4
Tweet
Email
Print
133Shares
Share129
Share
Pin
Text
133Shares

You may also enjoy...

Parenting, Toddlers
September 12, 2017 · 7 Comments

« The Best Prayer by the Best Teacher
The Gift of Being Hidden in a World that Loves to be Noticed »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comments

  1. Laurel says

    September 20, 2017 at 11:58 pm

    Susan, thank you. I liked your suggestion about role playing with a teen to help them see the respectful way to argue.

    Reply
  2. Jacque says

    September 20, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    This would work with adult children trying to force an issue also. Thank you so much.

    Reply
  3. L. S. says

    September 20, 2017 at 1:55 pm

    So true about them being little negotiators! I was not expecting that from my young kids!

    Reply
  4. Shannon Davis says

    September 20, 2017 at 10:49 am

    This is terrific! I am forwarding it to our daughter….mom to a determined little 22 month old (darling!) boy. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Susan Yates says

    September 18, 2017 at 10:23 pm

    OH Geary,
    You make me laugh!!!!
    Thanks for writing!
    Love, Susan

    Reply
  6. Geary Morris says

    September 13, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    Oh my gosh!!!!! Were you at my house this morning? Thank you for sharing practical tips.

    Reply
    • Susan Yates says

      September 18, 2017 at 10:23 pm

      OH Geary,
      You make me laugh!!!!
      Thanks for writing!
      Love, Susan

      Reply

Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

Read more…

Recent Posts

  • Is Your Nest “Emptying”? 4 Ideas for Dropping Off Your Freshman
  • From Discouragement to Blessing: 3 Ideas to Transform Your Day
  • 9 Books I Loved: To Inspire, Entertain, and Encourage You
  • How I Heard Nature Sing — and What It Taught Me About God
  • Help, I Can’t Do it All: 4 Faith Principles for Overwhelmed Moms

One Word

One Word: Sufficient

Featured Books

And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children

And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Amazon
Buy from Audible.com
And Then I Had Kids: Encouragement for Mothers of Young Children
Buy now!

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Amazon
Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy now!
  • Certainty In Christ
  • Subscribe
  • Contact
  • Media Kit
  • Privacy Policy
  • Site Index

Search

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last

Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy This Book Online
Buy from Amazon
Character Matters: Raising Kids With Values That Last
Buy now!

Popular

  • 8 Things to Do When You Really Don’t Like Your…
  • What Every Wife Needs: Two Simple Things to Tell…
  • The One Thing Your Child Needs the Most

Are you getting ready for an empty nest? Taking ki Are you getting ready for an empty nest? Taking kids to college this fall? I'm blogging about that this week, with 4 ideas for dropping off your freshman. (And Barbara Rainey @everthinehome and I wrote a book about this!) 

Links to both the book and blog in my bio. Or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog
Melody and I leaving for our 4 day hike in the Ol Melody and I leaving for our 4 day hike in the Olympic National Park in Washington state! 🏞🏕
This acronym serves as a guide for prayer. I have This acronym serves as a guide for prayer. I have found this so helpful to use in my own prayer life and in small groups! ⁣
⁣
It's just a small bit of what I'm sharing in my devotional over at Club31Women -- 3 Things to Make This Very Day a Blessing. If you're waking up discouraged, this is for you. ⁣
⁣
Read the whole thing -- link in bio!
We’re never too old for new adventures! 🌤⛰🚗☀️
This week I’m sharing a devotional over @club31w This week I’m sharing a devotional over @club31women about how to transform your day when you wake up discouraged.⁣
⁣
This little prayer is part of my morning routine. We taught it to our kids when they were small and recited it each morning at breakfast. Now my grandchildren use it! ⁣
⁣
Read the whole blog: 3 Things That Will Make This Very Day a Blessing. Link in bio!
Immeasurable Riches ONE WORD: “...so that in Immeasurable Riches 
 
ONE WORD:
“...so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Ephesians 2:7
 
ONE THOUGHT:
Father, today I long to dwell on your riches rather than my own wants and needs. Call to mind your riches and help these thoughts of you to be in the forefront of my thinking today.
It’s mid-summer! Have you run out of things to d It’s mid-summer! Have you run out of things to do with your kids?? ☀️

I have FREE downloadable ebook for you - Camp At Home 100 ideas for you to do with your kids or grandkids!

Link in bio!

#cousincamp #cousincampbook
I love this quote from John Stott, from his very l I love this quote from John Stott, from his very last book, The Radical Disciple. I highly recommend it. Brief chapters include: “Nonconformity,” “Simplicity,” “Dependence,” and others.⁣
⁣
Over on the blog, I'm sharing this book along with 8 others I've loved recently. If you're looking for a summer read, I hope you find a good one here!⁣
⁣
Read the whole list: link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog
I’ve been thinking a lot about books - check out I’ve been thinking a lot about books - check out my latest blog! 📚😊

Here are two more that I have enjoyed by two of my friends Christy Fitzwater and Penelope Swithinbank. 

Keeping House is an honest, humorous, easy-to-read book about the joy you can get from cleaning by a friend of mine who cleans VRBOs. You will laugh and learn some real practical tips. 

The book, Scent of Water, is a comfort in times of grief. Her daily devotions are honest and she leaves us with specific scriptures of comfort. You will feel closer to God and thankful for his understanding.

Copyright © 2022 · Susan Alexander Yates · All Rights Reserved
Calligraphy by Jessica Blanchard · Paintings by Christen Yates
Blog and Ask Susan Photo by Natalie Puls Photography · Books Photo by Cambria Elizabeth

133Shares
133Shares
We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.OkayPrivacy Policy