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Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

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Raising Your Kids to Leave Well: 6 Things to Consider

by Susan Alexander Yates

As college acceptances and denials arrive we are a mix of emotions. And so is our senior!

Change is in the air whether it’s a job, a gap year or college looming on the horizon. Other parents have kids preparing to go in the fall to middle or high school or even preschool. Time does not stand still. Our kids are growing! And at some time in the future they will be leaving us.

How well I remember driving away from the dorm after leaving Susy at college. Just the week before we had left Libby, her twin and soul mate, at another college. These were the last of our five children. My husband John had planned a romantic night at a mountain inn on the way home. Not a good decision. Instead, I cried all the way home. My poor husband. It was not just the fact that my last were leaving it was also the pain of their being separated for the first time ever. It had been their decision and it proved to be a wise one in their maturity but at the time all I felt was grief.

From the time our child is born we know this day will come and part of raising them involves preparing them to leave – as healthy, confident adults. But most of us don’t factor in the sadness it will bring us!

Some parents coddle their children too much and others give too much freedom too soon. Our challenge is finding the balance. Raising kids who will be ready to leave involves intentional planning at each stage of their development. Here are a few tips:

1. Raising confident, independent kids begins when they are small.

Train your toddlers to make their beds, to put away their toys. You are training them in self-discipline. Their bed won’t look perfect but praise them for their accomplishment. Teach your kids to make their own lunches. Of course oversee it but this is something they can do by themselves. They may groan but you are teaching them personal responsibility. Be sure to let them know how proud you are of them. Confidence grows as a child learns to do something for himself.

2. Teach your children to write thank you notes.

Young children can draw pictures and have Mommy write the note. For older kids, set a deadline by which they must mail their notes or they will lose privileges. They are going to need to know how to write thank you notes for a job interview one day. Now they need to learn to appreciate the gifts given and things done for them by grandparents as well as others.

3. As your child enters Middle School and High School increase personal responsibilities.

When our son John was in about 8th grade I mistakenly washed his t-shirts with his sister’s red blouse turning his shirts pink. “Mom,” he exclaimed in total exasperation, “don’t ever touch my shirts again!” What a marvelous idea, I thought and thus began a new rite of passage in the Yates household. When you enter 8th grade you begin to do your own wash.

A friend of mine always did her son’s laundry. When he went off to college she got a frantic phone call, “Mom, he exclaimed, my favorite new shirt is way too small. What happened?” Our college kids will have enough adjustments without having to experience the shock of shrinking shirts. They should be adept at their own laundry before they leave home.

4. Our high school kids should be managing their own money and making and keeping their own appointments (dental, doctor, etc.).

Teach them how to budget and make sure they follow through. There are many tools on the web to help with this. Far too many college kids get themselves in debt because they have not had to stick to a budget. You will be less likely to give in to the dangerous habit of “bailing your child out” if he has learned how to stick to a budget while at home.

5. When your child leaves home beware of falling into one of two traps.

A “helicopter parent” is one who is constantly texting, tweeting, emailing her child — advising on daily activities and many decisions. Although she wants her child to be self confident she is actually undermining her confidence by making too many decisions and this communicates to the child, You may not make the right decision so I will make it for you. This is not healthy for the child.

Another trap is that of a “hands off parent.” Her attitude may be, I raised her to be independent and now she’s gone so I’ll wait until I hear from her. She now is on her own to make decisions.  Weeks can go by without any communication. This is too extreme. You need to be involved in major decisions — rooming, grades, and health. A weekly phone call is a good idea.

6. If your child has just gotten married your relationship has really changed!

Your priority is no longer your relationship with your child but it is their marriage relationship. Your child’s spouse comes first, not his or her relationship with you. You need to pull back. Your priority now is their marriage.

So when your daughter calls and says, “Mom do you think we should get a red couch or a blue one?” Your answer should be, “What does your husband (or wife) think?” Our goal is now to push them to each other not to keep them attached to us. Many a young marriage has had a difficult start because a parent has not been able to let go.

When we experience different types of “leavings” it is helpful to remember that this is a transition.

Transitions are awkward and sometimes a bit messy for everyone involved. Be patient and grant extra grace. Leaving is a part of growing in independence and the promise of adult friendships with our children is one of the great blessings we have to look forward to.

Originally Posted on MomLife Today

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April 20, 2022 · 2 Comments

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Comments

  1. Angela Dusenbury says

    April 21, 2022 at 5:49 pm

    Wonderful and important advice-from a woman who has lived it x5. 😇Thank you, Susan!

    Reply
  2. Lisa Moore says

    March 3, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    My daughter is doing a better job at this than I did. She is raising my grandson to be respectful and responsible. I really appreciate her parenting style.

    Reply

Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

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Hiking on the AT with Charley Dog. ❤ God's been Hiking on the AT with Charley Dog. ❤  God's been speaking to my heart through nature recently, and I'm blogging about that this week @rootandvinenews. Here's a short excerpt -- link in my bio to read the rest. I hope you can get out in nature this summer!⁣
⁣
Ever so slowly over the past decade God has been opening my eyes and touching my soul in ways I had not expected. For the past 40 years I’ve written books and blogs and spoken throughout the country on topics of parenting, marriage, and faith. These areas have been my primary focus. I still love to speak and write on these themes. ⁣
⁣
Yet more recently our heavenly Father has been awakening within my heart a deep desire to dwell in nature, to really look at His creation, to observe His beauty, to marvel at the things I learn about His creation from twisted roots, fragile flowers, craggy rocks, singing birds, crawly creatures and unusual quiet. Silence. We live in a noisy world, but we were also created for silence. I think of Jesus slipping away in the night to be alone in the hills enjoying the company of His heavenly Father in quiet. Oh, the sweet fragrance of simply being alone together.⁣
⁣
At least once a year we all sing “Joy to the World,” the beautiful Christmas hymn with the familiar refrain, “Let heaven and nature sing.” One winter day on a walk in the woods this hymn came to my mind. I began to think about these words as I looked around a snowy, bare path. Because the birds had flown south there was more silence than in the spring. Focusing on the quiet, I asked God to enable me to hear his voice. There wasn’t a lot to hear but as I concentrated, I heard bare branches squeaking as they rubbed against each other. Wind gusts magnified sounds of creaking and worn-out limbs fell to the ground, bumping against bare rocks with a resounding thud. ⁣
⁣
Read the rest -- link in bio, or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog
I snapped this picture of a parent watching over h I snapped this picture of a parent watching over her flock! 

It reminds me of Psalm 121…God your Father is watching over you! At this very moment He is watching over you!
I need this reminder often! It can be easy to get I need this reminder often! It can be easy to get caught up in my to-do list: if I check things off I feel good about myself and if not, I don't.⁣
⁣
But my identity is not dependent on my accomplishments. God cares a whole lot more about who I am becoming than about what I'm checking off my list.⁣
⁣
This is just one small point from my blog this week: Help, I Can't Do It All: 4 Faith Principles for Overwhelmed Moms.⁣
⁣
I hope it encourages you! Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog⁣
⁣
PS: this photo is from one of my hiking trips out West. 💚
I loved Julius’s message on Mephibosheth. Here’s a clip! @thegospelcoalition #tgcw22
One of the special things about being at the TGCW2 One of the special things about being at the TGCW22 with over 8K present and more online is the women you meet and old friends you connect with from all walks of life! Here are a few special women. We just listens to a fabulous message from Courtney Doctor with new insights on David. Check it outline!#TGCW22 @thegospelcoalition
What a privilege to be on a panel “Motherhood an What a privilege to be on a panel “Motherhood and Marriage: Balancing Your Priorities” with Caroline Cobb,Trillia Newbell, and Ruth Chou Simons. They are so wise and so much fun! #TGCW22 @thegospelcoalition
We had 5 children in 7 years including a set of tw We had 5 children in 7 years including a set of twins. Not one of our kids was a sleeper. We did not sleep through the night on a regular basis for 10 years! Sleep deprivation stinks. 

When our twins (the last ones) were 6 weeks old we moved to a new state. I had no friends, no family nearby and no help. It was a hard, hard season.

Today all 5 of our kids are married and we have 21 grandchildren. I never imagined my life would turn out like this! (Swipe right to see our kids all grown up with their spouses, and then the whole big family -- a pic from a few years back.)

At different times over these years, I’ve felt like a failure, worried over a child, been frustrated with my husband, disappointed in my career, and wondered if anyone else felt like “this.” 

And I’ve realized again and again that I can’t do it all. No one can. 

Looking at Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook doesn’t help. Those people all look so perfect. 

And I’m not. 

What about you? 

Are you feeling defeated, lonely, “less than,” confused, anxious or hopeless? 

Let’s be honest. We can each feel these things no matter what season of life we are in. It’s easy to feel stuck. 

Where do we go for encouragement? How can we find perspective?

This week on the blog I'm sharing 4 Faith Principles for Overwhelmed Moms -- things that will help when you feel like saying, 'HELP! I can't do it all!'

Check it out! Link in bio. 

#christianwomen #christianfaith #christianwoman #bedeeplyrooted #womenintheword #shereadstruth #womenoftheword #belovedlife #womenoffaith #gritandvirtue #choosejoy #lampandlight #biblestudy #bibleteaching #biblicaltruth #christianwriter #christianwriters #christianlife  #pursuewhatislovely #christians #sheislight
One of the most fun things of TGCW22 is reuniting One of the most fun things of TGCW22 is reuniting with old friends and connecting new friends.#TGCW22 @thegospelcoalition
So much fun speaking on a panel on “Aging with G So much fun speaking on a panel on “Aging with Grace” with Karen Hodge and Susan Hunt.#tgcw22 @thegospelcoalition

Copyright © 2022 · Susan Alexander Yates · All Rights Reserved
Calligraphy by Jessica Blanchard · Paintings by Christen Yates
Blog and Ask Susan Photo by Natalie Puls Photography · Books Photo by Cambria Elizabeth

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