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Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

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Raising Your Kids to Leave Well: 6 Things to Consider

by Susan Alexander Yates

As college acceptances and denials arrive we are a mix of emotions. And so is our senior!

Change is in the air whether it’s a job, a gap year or college looming on the horizon. Other parents have kids preparing to go in the fall to middle or high school or even preschool. Time does not stand still. Our kids are growing! And at some time in the future they will be leaving us.

How well I remember driving away from the dorm after leaving Susy at college. Just the week before we had left Libby, her twin and soul mate, at another college. These were the last of our five children. My husband John had planned a romantic night at a mountain inn on the way home. Not a good decision. Instead, I cried all the way home. My poor husband. It was not just the fact that my last were leaving it was also the pain of their being separated for the first time ever. It had been their decision and it proved to be a wise one in their maturity but at the time all I felt was grief.

From the time our child is born we know this day will come and part of raising them involves preparing them to leave – as healthy, confident adults. But most of us don’t factor in the sadness it will bring us!

Some parents coddle their children too much and others give too much freedom too soon. Our challenge is finding the balance. Raising kids who will be ready to leave involves intentional planning at each stage of their development. Here are a few tips:

1. Raising confident, independent kids begins when they are small.

Train your toddlers to make their beds, to put away their toys. You are training them in self-discipline. Their bed won’t look perfect but praise them for their accomplishment. Teach your kids to make their own lunches. Of course oversee it but this is something they can do by themselves. They may groan but you are teaching them personal responsibility. Be sure to let them know how proud you are of them. Confidence grows as a child learns to do something for himself.

2. Teach your children to write thank you notes.

Young children can draw pictures and have Mommy write the note. For older kids, set a deadline by which they must mail their notes or they will lose privileges. They are going to need to know how to write thank you notes for a job interview one day. Now they need to learn to appreciate the gifts given and things done for them by grandparents as well as others.

3. As your child enters Middle School and High School increase personal responsibilities.

When our son John was in about 8th grade I mistakenly washed his t-shirts with his sister’s red blouse turning his shirts pink. “Mom,” he exclaimed in total exasperation, “don’t ever touch my shirts again!” What a marvelous idea, I thought and thus began a new rite of passage in the Yates household. When you enter 8th grade you begin to do your own wash.

A friend of mine always did her son’s laundry. When he went off to college she got a frantic phone call, “Mom, he exclaimed, my favorite new shirt is way too small. What happened?” Our college kids will have enough adjustments without having to experience the shock of shrinking shirts. They should be adept at their own laundry before they leave home.

4. Our high school kids should be managing their own money and making and keeping their own appointments (dental, doctor, etc.).

Teach them how to budget and make sure they follow through. There are many tools on the web to help with this. Far too many college kids get themselves in debt because they have not had to stick to a budget. You will be less likely to give in to the dangerous habit of “bailing your child out” if he has learned how to stick to a budget while at home.

5. When your child leaves home beware of falling into one of two traps.

A “helicopter parent” is one who is constantly texting, tweeting, emailing her child — advising on daily activities and many decisions. Although she wants her child to be self confident she is actually undermining her confidence by making too many decisions and this communicates to the child, You may not make the right decision so I will make it for you. This is not healthy for the child.

Another trap is that of a “hands off parent.” Her attitude may be, I raised her to be independent and now she’s gone so I’ll wait until I hear from her. She now is on her own to make decisions.  Weeks can go by without any communication. This is too extreme. You need to be involved in major decisions — rooming, grades, and health. A weekly phone call is a good idea.

6. If your child has just gotten married your relationship has really changed!

Your priority is no longer your relationship with your child but it is their marriage relationship. Your child’s spouse comes first, not his or her relationship with you. You need to pull back. Your priority now is their marriage.

So when your daughter calls and says, “Mom do you think we should get a red couch or a blue one?” Your answer should be, “What does your husband (or wife) think?” Our goal is now to push them to each other not to keep them attached to us. Many a young marriage has had a difficult start because a parent has not been able to let go.

When we experience different types of “leavings” it is helpful to remember that this is a transition.

Transitions are awkward and sometimes a bit messy for everyone involved. Be patient and grant extra grace. Leaving is a part of growing in independence and the promise of adult friendships with our children is one of the great blessings we have to look forward to.

Originally Posted on MomLife Today

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Comments

  1. Angela Dusenbury says

    April 21, 2022 at 5:49 pm

    Wonderful and important advice-from a woman who has lived it x5. 😇Thank you, Susan!

    Reply
  2. Lisa Moore says

    March 3, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    My daughter is doing a better job at this than I did. She is raising my grandson to be respectful and responsible. I really appreciate her parenting style.

    Reply

Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of more than 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

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More of our Family Camp fun from Labor Day weekend More of our Family Camp fun from Labor Day weekend. Such a joy! ⁣
⁣
Be sure to check out the blog for more details and pics. (Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog)⁣
⁣
* Poppy (John) is always happy to get help with the horses and the kids love them.⁣
* There's always a competition of some kind going on! Volleyball, a hula hoop contest, a ping-pong tournament. ⁣
* The "ice cream gutter" is a cherished annual tradition!⁣
* Lots of hanging out, and even some quiet moments, but not a lot of sleep. ⁣
⁣
If you want to host a camp or family event of your own, check out my book Cousin Camp for all kinds of ideas. (Link in bio.)⁣
⁣
#christianmom #christianfamily #grandparent #cousincamp #familycamp
One Word: Mystery One Verse: “To them God ch One Word: 
Mystery 
 
One Verse:
“To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:27
 
One Thought:
You are a God of mystery. It’s a glorious mystery. I can’t explain you even though sometimes I want to. Your mystery is part of what makes you so much greater than man. Thank you that you, with all of your glorious mystery, have chosen to dwell in me.
John and I are in Colorado for a week’s vacation John and I are in Colorado for a week’s vacation, still celebrating 54 years of marriage! We had a fun dinner, sharing about folks who have been role models-mentors for us in ministry and family life over these years. It sparked a fun discussion and thankful memories!
We're so grateful we got to host another Family Ca We're so grateful we got to host another Family Camp over Labor Day weekend!⁣
⁣
Here's a peek behind the scenes. I'm sharing all the details (and more pics!) over on the blog, check it out. (Link in bio or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog)⁣
⁣
1 - We had 33 of us this year!⁣
2 - So much prep and shopping. But I never clean before they come because I learned that's futile. 😜⁣
3 - Lots of cousin bonding.⁣
4 - My daughter-in-law @christenbyates, who's a professional artist, set up an art station this year and the kids loved it.⁣
5 - Cousins with their camp journals. (I keep the journals at my house and they get to write in them every year.)⁣
6 - John led a short teaching time every day, this year on Psalm 139.⁣
7 - Meals are crazy when you're cooking for 33 people!⁣
8 - There are shoes everywhere. 😂 ⁣
9 - The kids actually did dinner cleanup this year, without any prompting! ⁣
10 - A few of our guys.💙⁣
⁣
#christianfamily #cousincamp #familycamp #christianmom #grandparent
One Word: Shows One Verse: “But God shows hi One Word:  Shows
 
One Verse:

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8
 
One Thought:

If you, God Almighty, would send your son to die for me in my own wickedness, then how much more will you show me how to make the decision I need to make.
Cousin love at Family Camp! These are 2 of our you Cousin love at Family Camp! These are 2 of our youngest grands. (We have 21!)

Catch the blog later this week for details and more pics.
This photo of me and John is from our trip to Isra This photo of me and John is from our trip to Israel last fall. When we first got married, I didn't know what being a pastor's wife would entail. Now after more than 50 years of marriage I understand a little better (although I can always learn more!).⁣
⁣
I'm sharing an interview over on my blog with @thegospelcoalition's Front Row Seat series on Supporting Our Husbands.⁣
⁣
We discussed how pastors’ wives can support and encourage their husbands in ministry, marriage, and life. But so much of this applies to any marriage, whether your husband is a pastor or not.⁣
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Check it out -- link in bio, or go to susanalexanderyates.com/blog⁣
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You might want to share it with your pastor's wife -- it will encourage her!⁣
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@kristen_wetherell  @kario312⁣
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#christianwife  #pastorswife  #christianmarriage
One Word: Founder One Verse: “...let us run One Word:  Founder
 
One Verse:

“...let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith." Hebrews 12: 1-2
 
One Thought:

You are the author of my faith. You began it, Father. It is yours. I ask you to be perfecting it. Thank you that even this isn't up to me. My part is to fix my eyes on you and let you do your work within me.
This is how we feel right now -- we finished our A This is how we feel right now -- we finished our Annual Family Camp yesterday!

4 days with 33 kids and grands; 19 teens sleeping on floors and outside, 44 bags of trash, 15 gallons of ice cream, 67 dirty towels, 135 ping pong games, 90 individual miles hiking on the AT, gleaning from Psalm 139, 532 tickles and hugs, and 2 exhausted grandparents--who are deliriously grateful!

More pics coming soon.

* numbers are estimates 😆

Copyright © 2023 · Susan Alexander Yates · All Rights Reserved
Calligraphy by Jessica Blanchard · Paintings by Christen Yates
Blog and Ask Susan Photo by Natalie Puls Photography · Books Photo by Cambria Elizabeth

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