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Susan Alexander Yates

Susan Alexander Yates

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Raising “Other-Centered” Kids in a “Self-Centered” World

by Susan Alexander Yates

gq5pecp8phe-annie-spratt“It’s my ball. I want it now.” “I want that blouse; you never let me get anything new.” “The coach should let me start in the game.” “I don’t want to do that; “I want to go out with my friends.” “I don’t like this food.”

Me, Mine, I…sound familiar?

Translation: It’s your job as my parent to make sure I am happy. It’s everyone else’s job too. Please me. Cater to me. It’s my right. I’m entitled.

Oh really? And where does that leave us as parents?

It leaves us feeling frustrated, feeling like failures and in the position of never satisfying our child. Enough is never enough. Kids will always want something else. They come by it naturally. We are just like them- the only difference is that hopefully somewhere along the way we were taught that life isn’t all about us. It’s about learning to love God and serve others.

Each of us comes into the world with the natural inclination to please ourselves, to look after #1-me and to have everyone else do the same or we just might make their lives miserable. Simply put-we are selfish. Our culture caters to this. Advertisements promote what we just have to have. Parents compete with one another to have their child be the best, get the best opportunity, be first.

How do we raise kids, who are by nature self centered, in a culture that caters to this inclination which you and I know is not satisfying, not right and will only lead to more selfishness?

Here are 5 starter ideas to help us raise kids in becoming ‘other-centered.’

  1. Recognize that the normal, natural instinct is to be selfish, self centered. Understanding this will alert us to the need to be intentional in our training. The default mode will always be “satisfy me.” Putting others first is not natural. It has to be taught.
  2. Use every day events to train our kids. “Let him go first.” “Let her sit by the window.” When you have a play date make sure you have your child clean up before you leave their friend’s home.
  3. Use meal times for intentional conversations. Ask, “Who do you know who is especially thoughtful or kind to others? How have you seen them demonstrate this?” “Why do you think putting others first is important? What are some ways we can practice this in the next 3 days?” Let each family member determine one thing they will do. Then report back how it went.
  4. Plan a special family service project together. Rake a neighbor’s yard, cook double and take a meal to a tired young mom or a new family, or an elderly person. Volunteer to serve in a soup kitchen. Clean someone’s house. Babysit for free.
  5. Write a letter to someone just to say I’m thinking about you. Or have little kids draw pictures and send them to a relative. Leave flowers with a note on the door steps of a person who could use some encouragement.

Teaching our kids to be other centered is a lifelong process. After all, we are still learning it ourselves! It helps to remember that we have to be intentional and that we can do this in a myriad of small ways. Don’t expect results too quickly. It may take years to feel like you are making any progress! But you are!

Originally Posted at MomLife Today

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January 3, 2017 · 6 Comments

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Comments

  1. Sandy Snowden says

    January 4, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    Did most of these except the ones requiring siblings. So, they see you doing things for others…but somehow the child didn’t get it. or at least doesn’t at home. Single child? a very hard thing, a very wearing thing. You can tick all the boxes and still miss whatever it was that would have clicked. But at the end of the day, God has to do it. You still have to keep praying that God will make that change when they are little… and sometimes find you are still praying the same thing when they are ‘grown up’.

    Reply
    • Sandy Snowden says

      January 4, 2017 at 5:45 pm

      clarification – the hard, wearing thing is the part to get a self-centred single child to be other-centred.

      Reply
      • Susan Yates says

        January 5, 2017 at 3:48 pm

        It is hard Sandy! Another thing is to enlist the help of another family whose child matches yours and do something together. You can declare February as Love month and each week do something for someone else. But as always prayer is the most important and patience because it does take a long time!
        Bless you, Susan

        Reply
        • Sandy Snowden says

          January 5, 2017 at 7:41 pm

          Hi, The child is 27 now! and God is opening him up to people more and more.
          Thanks for replying!
          Sandy

          Reply
  2. Jackie Shrum says

    January 4, 2017 at 1:55 pm

    Great reminder here at the beginning of a new year.

    Reply
    • Susan Yates says

      January 5, 2017 at 3:46 pm

      Thanks Jackie!
      Blessings, Susan

      Reply

Hello, I’m Susan.

Susan Alexander Yates

I’m a wife (of more than 50 years), mom to five children (including a set of twins), and grandmother to 21 (including a set of quadruplets!). My favorite time of the year is when all my kids and grandkids are together for a week of “cousins and family camp” in the foothills of the Shenandoah Mountains of Virginia.

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