Now I’m really MAD.
I read something recently that really made me hot under the collar!
The headline of an article by Alex Stone in the New York Times last week was, “Is Your Child Lying to You? That’s Good.”
In this article Stone goes on to cite research that says,
“Lying is not only normal; it’s also a sign of intelligence.”
While this might be true it does not make it right. Most kids will lie. They want to avoid trouble. They want to get their own way. So do we. It’s a part of our natural sin nature.
Stone cites psychologist Kang Lee who tells parents, “If they discover their child lying at age 2 or 3 they should celebrate. It means they have good executive functioning skills. Lying, in other words is good for your brain.”
He also notes research shows that if you pay kids to be honest there’s a greater chance they will tell the truth. To him, financial compensation seems to have a high value.
Inherent in these thoughts are two dangerous assumptions: Mental intelligence (advanced executive functioning) and material possessions (getting paid to tell the truth) have higher values than honesty.
These thoughts make me really mad. Why?
First:
Integrity is a core value. It’s an American value. Read western history and you’ll discover that a man’s integrity was so valued all it took to seal an agreement was a handshake. A man’s word was his bond.
Personal integrity used to mean doing what is right- no matter who knows or who will find out. Today it’s, do whatever you want as long as you don’t get caught and no one finds out. If you get caught you may have numerous legal options to get you “off.”
Our personal integrity is at the core of who we are as human beings. It is one value no can take away from us. Integrity involves trustworthiness, objectivity, fair-mindedness, sincerity, and thoroughness. A person of integrity is genuine-what you see is what you get-no pretense, no sham. To live with integrity is to live by the highest standard-a standard that calls for complete honesty, an honesty that encourages consistent values. Personal perfection is impossible, but it is possible to aim for genuineness, honesty, consistency, moral purity and ready admission of our failures. A person of integrity doesn’t seek to cover up or excuse his errors.
Second:
As parents we have an obligation to teach our kids to be honest. Lying is wrong, period. But what about when we fail? Won’t that lead to hypocrisy? How can we expect our children to live up to a standard that we fail in ourselves?
Hypocrisy is not caused by high standards, but by parents who wink at the standards for themselves while insisting on adherence by their children. Genuine integrity, on the other hand, maintains a high standard while acknowledging failure and seeking to grow.
Talk about the value of integrity as a family. Seek to grow in this trait together-parents and children. Do not pay your kids to tell the truth. Expect them to. Affirm truth telling even when it gets them in trouble.
Be wary of buying into advice from so called experts just because they have advanced degrees. They may be fools hidden behind a lot of letters after their name.
Third:
Truth telling is not merely an American ideal or a good thing for a culture. It’s a Biblical imperative. In the scriptures truth is expected. Lying is condemned.
There is wisdom in the scriptures. Simply open the book of Proverbs for example and you’ll find it full of practical wisdom for parents and children.
God is the God of truth. Jesus is Truth Incarnate. God longs for us to be free of all hypocrisy and deceit. There are times when we or our children may be afraid to tell the truth, but God’s call to personal holiness should make us more afraid of lying.
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My husband John and I wrote a book. Character Matters: Raising Kids with Values that Last. This book talks about how we grow together as a family in 8 character traits beginning with integrity. It is available here.
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If lying is accepted in any relationship, then how can we have a loving caring relationship with someone without trust? If we can’t trust our own family members, and what they say to us, then we are lost. For me, understanding the importance of trust is one of the cornerstones of a good marriage and family. And, the importance of not lying needs to take place when a child is young. If my husband stands in front of me and falls, and I catch him, he trusts me, and knows he can count on me. Then, if one day I say, fall back in my arms, and I drop him (as in lying), every time he ever falls back in my arms he will say to himself, “is she going to drop me this time?” All the trust we had is gone. Our relationship as we knew it, is lost. That is what happens to our relationships when we lie. It’s not to say it can’t be repaired, but it will never be the same trusting relationship it was again. Thank you for pointing out this misguided article.
Sandy I love the analogy! We are preparing our kids to be future husbands and wives if God so choses that path for them and you just nailed another reason that lying is wrong. It destroys trust-a cornerstone of any relationship!
Way to go!
Thanks, Susan
Character does matter! Thank you for this reminder, I needed it. I think our current executive leader confuses what we
tell our children. Or as Michael Gerson (G. Bush’s speech writer) wrote: He has complicated the moral education of children.
But, ultimately what we do as parents matters more than what happens in our larger common life? Here’s hoping. Thank
you for this!!!
Thank you Dani!
And we know and love love Michael Gerson.
Blessings, Susan
Ahhhhh! I’m soooooo star struck!!! If I ever met him I’d have this dumb smile on my face and my brain would be racing to say something really smart and impressive and I’d manage, “Hi.”