Recently I was chatting with a mother of a four-year-old. This four-year-old, according to others, has never heard the word “no.”
Unusually bright, this child is a terror to be around. She is difficult to control, throws temper tantrums, and demands her own way. She does not like rules of any kind.
Her parents are bright Ivy League graduates. They love their child and want to encourage her creativity and independence and they want her to be secure. However, they seem to feel that if you say “no” to a child, you are restricting and limiting their growth. So they employ diversion, distraction, and reasoning in an attempt to get her to behave.
Now, there is nothing wrong with diversion and distraction. They can be very effective with a one-year-old or an eighteen-month-old. It is wise to avoid conflict when possible. Reasoning can be effective, particularly with an older toddler. However, you cannot reason with a one or two-year-old—and diversion and distraction are not enough.
Our children must learn to cope with the word “no” and we must not be afraid to use it.
We teach our child not to run into the street. He must hear us say “no” and immediately stop. There is no time for diversion, it could be a life or death situation. Our first “no’s” have to do with safety issues. Soon we move to other “no’s”: “No, you may not bite your brother.” And we follow through with swift punishment when they proceed to bite.
Our kids have to learn that our “no” actually means “no” and not “maybe if you pitch a fit.” We must follow through with a swift punishment when they disobey. In this way, our kids learn that we are reliable—we mean what we say. They can count on us.
As they mature, reasoning becomes crucial but there will still be times when they (and even we!) simply have to accept “no” even if they don’t understand the reasoning. “No, you cannot skate board without a helmet even if you are an excellent skater.” “No, you cannot stay out all night even if you disagree with our rules.”
A lot of life is full of “no’s” and we don’t prepare our children for adulthood if we are afraid to say “no.”
Every parent wants their child to feel secure and valued. But we have to remember that a young child who calls the shots in the home will become insecure, not secure. God did not intend for that child to have that much power over his parents. His security comes because he begins to understand at an unconscious level that he is not the boss. Mom and Dad are and this gives him security.
Georgi says
Thanks for the reminder and encouragement, Susan! Another valuable reason for your child to understand “no” : when someone other than the parent catches the child in an unsafe situation (running toward the street, touching something harmful, etc) and shouts or says no. You want your child to stop, listen and obey. “No” is a pretty universal word in such situations.
susan yates says
Thanks so much Georgi!!!
You are so wise. Great examples.
Love, Susans
Geary Morris says
I must really love my kids a lot … they think I say no all the time. Ha ha!
susan yates says
Love this Geary!!! You make me laugh!
warmly, Susan
Sandra Hawkins says
Excellent article Susan. Saying NO doesn’t mean we don’t love our kids/grandkids….. quite the opposite.It’s because we DO love them that we provide boundaries and stick with them (not easy, but essential). Thanks from NC friend!
Susan Yates says
Thank you Sandra! You encourage me.
Go Heels,
Love Susan
Donna Blackistone says
Susan, I just completed a one week drama camp where I taught 40 children…ages 6-16…choreography, spoken lines, songs to sing. We performed the show on Sunday. I was so gratified to receive a note from one of the mothers, thanking me for not letting the children get by with…whatever! I was very blessed by her affirmation. I responded to her…”I am very old school. I had a terrific ballet teacher for 10 years and Mrs. DeMarco demanded respect and got it. Only the very best got the solos. The rest of us worked hard as port of the corps and were grateful for the opportunity.” It is imperative that we let children know what is acceptable and what isn’t…and it’s not negotiable. thank you for your wonderful words.
Susan Yates says
Donna,
These kids we’re blessed to have you and the Moms to have you reinforce good standards!
Thanks for writing.
Love, Susan