Have you ever found yourself feeling:
“I’m just so mad, so hurt—again. I’m not going to share my heart with him anymore. He doesn’t understand. It is too painful. We’ll live in the same house but he can do his thing and I’ll do mine.”
Most of us, if we are really honest, have felt this way about our husband from time to time.
I call it falling into the trap of emotional divorce.
Don’t get caught by it.
Imagine a solid glass patio door. Emotional divorce is a bit like slamming that patio door shut on our hearts. We still see the person on the other side but there’s a strong sealed panel between us.
We begin to close up our heart to him.
This trap can occur during stressful transitions in our lives-a move, a job loss, financial pressures, a new baby, caring for elderly parents, a child in crisis, etc. We are stressed and if each of us responds differently to the issue, we get irritated.
We are too exhausted to communicate.
We are afraid, and we unintentionally take it out on one another.
What do we do when we find ourselves falling into this trap of emotional divorce?
- Recognize what is happening and refuse to let that “patio door” separate you.
- Make the decision to take a sledgehammer and begin to chip away at that glass wall. Thick patio doors don’t usually splinter into pieces all at once. It takes a steady chipping away at a tiny crack until the door dissolves.
- One wise friend suggests saying, “I’m sorry. Let’s push the restart button and go forward as a united team.”
- Talk to a godly older couple and ask for their help. Most churches have older couples that would be happy to mentor you, pray for you, and encourage you. Get counseling as needed.
- Remember God is for your marriage. He is the strong “super glue” holding you together. You can rely on Him. He will bring you through this time and your marriage will be deeper and stronger as a result.
“For nothing is impossible for God.” (Luke 1:37)
Angela Applegate says
Encouraging and timely advice, thank you for using your gifts for his glory and our good ?
L. S. says
Such a great reminder! Thank you for sharing and for the direct steps on what to do.
Susan Yates says
Dear L.S,
Thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s always encouraging to hear from folks.
Blessings, Susan
Jody R says
Hi Susan,
I am a long time (27 years!, WOW is that possible?) reader, fan, follower of yours. I have read all your books and given away many copies of “And Then I Had Kids” to young Moms, the most recent to my beautiful daughter-in-law, who is now Mom to my first granddaughter!! I appreciate the sage, wise, authentic ways you share about God and Life! I would truly love to hear you speak in person sometime and hope you come out west (Colorado) in the future. Thank you for all you share. Kindest Regards…
Debbi says
Susan, thank you for shedding light in a place that can be shadowy for those going through tough times. All that you have written has held my husband and me together over the years as well…along with the need to put aside personal pride or blame/self-righteousness and to put on Christ’s and our own humility to say, “Sorry. Let’s push the restart button and go forward as a united team.” Why postpone that vital step until later down the road when we’ll have to take that step anyway to honor the Lord, the marriage and one another? We’ve found that, for us, now is the best time to forgive. Just a thought. Hugs to you over the miles, dear lady. Look forward to seeing you in November and December.
Susan Yates says
Laurel,
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. You are a wise woman and having accountable friends who know you well is something we all need!!!
Love, Susan
Susan Yates says
Debbi,
I love your push the re-set button. That’s a great analogy! Looking forward to seeing you soon and welcoming that grand baby!
Love, Susan
Laurel says
Thank you Susan. It’s so easy to feel ashamed at the distance when it creeps in. Your naming it and talking about it is encouraging. I wholeheartedly agree about inviting others into it, trusted friends, possibly mentors. My husband and I have been married 18 years. In the back of my mind I have a list of those friends I call “my people,” who I know would contend for us and challenge us to work at our marriage. We try to check in with that short list regularly, so that if we hit a rocky spot they are current on what’s going on with us.
Susan Yates says
Thanks so much for reading this Mickie!
It’s a blessing to hear from you.
Love, Susan
Susan Yates says
Laurel,
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment. You are a wise woman and having accountable friends who know you well is something we all need!!!
Love, Susan
Mickie Alexander says
Susan,, thanks for your common sense advice and suggestions for how to be a better person. Always glad to hear from you! Mickie
Susan Yates says
Thanks so much for reading this Mickie!
It’s a blessing to hear from you.
Love, Susan