Years ago the cover of the New York Herald Tribune Sunday magazine showed a photo of the Statue of Liberty taken from above, presumably from a helicopter. The amazing thing about the top of the Lady of Liberty’s head was that every inch of the hair and crown was worked out in perfect detail. When the sculptor did this incredible work in the 1800s, airplanes had not yet been invented. Thus, the artist thought that only he and perhaps sea gulls would ever view this portion of the monument. Yet he spent as much time on this “hidden” part of the work as he did on the face or the feet or the folds of the dress. That’s consistency. That’s integrity.
Our goal for ourselves and for our children is for integrity to become an instinct. It is not so much determining “to do” something else in our lives or in the lives of our kids as it is to choose “to be” something different. I want to be a person of integrity, and that means that I will seek to be honest and consistent in all of my attitudes and actions.
But won’t that lead to hypocrisy? What happens when we fail? How can my husband and I expect our children to live up to a standard that we fail in ourselves? Hypocrisy is not caused by high standards, but by parents who wink at the standards for themselves while insisting on adherence by their children. Genuine integrity on the other hand, maintains a high standard while acknowledging failure and seeking to grow.
There are several ingredients that need to be “put in” and several that need to be “taken out” in order to help develop the quality of integrity. Four ingredients necessary to “build into” a person of integrity are humility, consistency, trustworthiness and honesty.
Humility
A home where family members are open about their strengths, weaknesses, and temptations will be a home that is cultivating a spirit of humility. And integrity will blossom in the home where failure is permitted but encouragement is graciously given.
Consistency
We should not have one personality on Sundays and another on Mondays, one personality with Christian friends and another with the folks at the office. Our behavior toward those socially or professionally our peers and our behavior toward those who work for us should be the same. Our children will learn consistency as they watch us relate to those around us. They don’t need perfect parents but honest ones who desire to become consistent people.
Trustworthiness
My son Chris had asked me to hem a pair of his pants. I said I would do it. Even though I said each day that I would fix them, the pants sat on my “to do pile” for several days. Finally, in exasperation my son said, “Aw, Mom, I know you won’t do them today.” It seemed to be such a small thing, but suddenly I realized that I was actually teaching my son that I was not trustworthy.
We never intend to teach our children that we are unreliable, but sadly this can be the underlying message we communicate by our behavior or lack of it. When our children feel they can’t count on us, they become frustrated. In the small everyday issues in life, our children pick up our values that will influence how they deal with the big issues in life.
Honesty
In a world of half truths, we face the lifelong challenge of telling the whole truth even when its inconvenient. Our desire to be good parents should cause us to want to be truthful. After all, I must strive to be honest if I want my children to be honest.
In my own life, I have been challenged by the temptation to exaggerate. But in striving to raise honest kids, I have had to face my own weakness and be more careful to be accurate in my speech rather than to stretch the truth. I’m still working on it. In our family, lying has always resulted in a strong punishment. The children know that it is far better to confess to a wrongdoing and be disciplined than to lie about it.
Weeding Out
Just as there are things we need to “build in” to grow in integrity, there are things we need to “weed out” such as rationalization and misplaced blame.
Rationalization…Perhaps the most dangerous force working against us, as we desire to be people of integrity is rationalization. Today’s litmus test for honesty seems to have become, “Its okay to do what you want to do so long as no one gets hurt or you don’t get caught. Or if you get caught, it must be legally done or it doesn’t count.” God’s standard is to do what is right when no one is looking and no one will find out.
Misplaced blame…Our natural instincts will often be to blame others – our parents, our boss, our circumstances. I’ve noticed that misplaced blame sometimes comes disguised as the “If Onlys” – if only my parents had had a good marriage, if only my husband were more affectionate or didn’t work such long hours, if only we had more money. The list is endless. Indulging ourselves in a case of the “If Onlys” is very easy.
Blaming others will only prevent us from growing in integrity. We must guard against this in our lives, for our children will quickly learn how to blame others if they sit at the dinner table and hear mom or dad blaming someone else. Instead, we must accept responsibility and move on.
Becoming people of integrity is a constant process that is never completed, involving “building in” good qualities and “weeding out” negative ones. It begins with a heartfelt earnest desire on the part of us, the parents. Most of all we need to rely on the power of God to develop this trait within our lives and in the lives of our children.
Growing in character is a life long process for the whole family. This post is part of a series on Cultivating Character which I hope will encourage you as you seek to raise your kids with godly character. Click here for the previous post on a Teachable Spirit.
Leisha Pickering says
I sure miss you and John. You have set before me such a beautiful example of true beauty.